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Off the record: Difficult discussions are not pleasant, but needed

By Suzanne Elliott for The 3 min read
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I lost my husband April 14.

Jim tripped on the way to the bathroom, fell backwards and hit his head on the metal bed frame.

I was asleep in the other room. Jim came and got me. In typical Jim fashion, he said “Mr. Burt went boom.”

I looked at the back of his head. He was bleeding and there was a lump on the back of his head. It was 2 a.m. He needed stitches.

Thirty minutes later, we were at the hospital emergency room. Thirty minutes after that, the ER doctor said Jim had a brain bleed and could die. An hour later, he was taken by helicopter to UPMC Mercy where a team of trauma surgeons were waiting.

I was told the first 24 hours after brain surgery are critical. In Jim’s case, he didn’t wake up Wednesday, or Thursday. He had also suffered multiple strokes in the interim and had very little brain function left.

That reality hit. There was no hope.

Thankfully, Jim and I had talked about something like this and what we would do. We agreed, turn off life support. That was the decision I knew I had to make. For him.

Family was contacted and told of the situation. Everyone came from all areas of the country to his bedside. The priest came and Jim was given last rites and some morphine. The doctor cautioned me that it may take several minutes for Jim to die.

Jim was taken off life support. I told him I loved him and there was never anyone else but him. I told him to go, and that I would be OK. He turned his head to me and died. It took less than a minute, and I would like to think he heard what I said.

I could not have gone through that experience without family and friends. They have been a source of constant comfort and strength. I love them dearly. And thanks to them, I am taking it a day at a time.

I am writing this column for another reason too. Settling an estate, as many of you probably know, is messy. There are insurance companies to deal with, attorneys to hire, assets to switch over, thank-you notes to write, etc. It seems like it never ends.

Then, even more importantly, there is what your spouse wants. I look back at the talk we had. It was not pleasant. And it is something nobody wants to discuss. But I am glad we talked.

I am moving forward with my life and miss Jim terribly. Soon, however, I will be pouring his ashes off a pier in Florida at a place we loved. And I know he will be happy and at peace.

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