According to Hofmann: Tooth or dare

Of all the enchanted mythical creatures to which children are introduced like Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, Leprechauns and Randy The Repo Man, who gathers abandoned toys and turns them into vegetables, I think the Tooth Fairy is the most insane.
I like to imagine, about a thousand or so years ago, those magical beings were all being assigned certain duties for children.
For example, Santa Claus was appointed to break into people’s homes and leave presents, the Easter Bunny to also break into people’s homes to leave candy and hide eggs and finally the Tooth Fairy was assigned to — yet again in a disturbing trend — break into a child’s house, fetch a discarded tooth under a pillow and leave money behind.
I think at that point during the Enchanted Creatures Alliance reorganization meeting, the Tooth Fairy (who was probably just known as “Fairy” at that point) stood on a table and held up a sign on which she wrote in pixy dust “UNION” like Norma Rae. Then, of course, her spirit was broken when they threatened to replace her with Randy The Repo Man, and she was stuck in that same position for thousands of years.
My little fantasy story aside, I have to wonder how on earth the Tooth Fairy tradition started.
Normally, I would go to Wikipedia for the answer, but who knows what’s accurate online anymore, and I have a feeling that the history of tooth collecting for cash may not be the most awe-inspiring story to learn.
Was the Tooth Fairy created to compensate an upset child over losing a tooth or was it to teach children about commerce and supply and demand as they were told the enamel trade in fairy land is worth big bucks? Apparently it has some significant worth nowadays because inflation makes shelling out money for this ancient practice all the worse.
For example, Emma, my 7-year-old stepdaughter, gets a $1-$2 per tooth.
I used to get a quarter — a 50 cent piece if I was lucky for every tooth. I once even found under my pillow a work order from Toothopolis for time and labor signed by a crossed-out signature that looked like “Dad” and “The Tooth Fairy” written below it.
What made paying Emma even worse was when she went to a grandparents’ overnight and lost a tooth prior to bedtime and wound up getting $5 for one lousy bicuspid!
Asked why the tooth fairy is such a cheapskate at home, my wife and I had to tell her the truth: the Tooth Fairy has to shell out extra money for travel expenses and taxes when she comes to our house; therefore, leaving Emma with a lower net sum — whatever that means.
I figured she needed to learn about local, state and federal taxes sooner or later and there’s no better time to be disappointed with your pay stub than after sacrificing a tooth.
Actually, I’m kind of hoping the Tooth Fairy is real because it would solve problems other than balancing finances.
Hidden in my bedroom dresser is a bag of Emma’s teeth that I don’t know what to do with.
Yes, I do I feel like a serial killer by holding on to those mementos, yet I can’t bring myself to throw them out. They’re a part of Emma’s childhood, and I don’t want some science creep getting her DNA from it for cloning purposes because I made a vow when I married my wife to never let Emma’s DNA fall into the hands of any rogue geneticists.
Before you judge me, it’s been documented throughout the years that people have saved strange things. For example, on the show “Charles In Charge”, there was an episode where Charles’s mother, Mrs. In Charge, had bronzed everything Charles had when he was a baby including his diapers.
When you think about it, there’s really no other sensible way to discard teeth. I thought about burying them in the back yard, but that’s when the neighbor would come over and ask, “Whatcha planting, Mark?”
“Molars and a few incisors by the zucchini.”
I thought about just giving them back to Emma and telling her that the tooth fairy had an overstock of teeth and wanted her to hold on to them as keepsakes. However, a 7-year-old girl’s sense of nostalgia is a bit warped as she would probably wind up pasting her teeth on paper like they’re macaroni art.
Maybe I’ll just leave her teeth on the floor next to some Barbie dolls and, if I’m lucky, Randy The Repo Man will turn them into zucchini and save me a lot of gardening work.
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According to Hofmann is written by staff reporter Mark Hofmann of Belle Vernon. Watch Mark’s video series at heraldstandard.com.