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According to Hofmann: Nature at its naughtiest

By Mark Hofmann mhofmann@heraldstandard.Com 4 min read
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You learn a lot of things while waiting with your kid at the bus stop. You learn about their friends, the names of their enemies, their tolerance to extreme temperatures and, oh yeah, mating rituals in the wild.

That’s right. Animals mating finally made it into one of these columns. According to my friends with no social graces as well as the voices I consistently hear from behind my shoulder, this moment in newspaper history was way overdue.

I was standing outside with my 7-year-old stepdaughter, Emma, in front of our house one fateful morning when I happened to see a bird standing on an old porch chair while being “loved” by another bird.

After a moment of wings flapping, beaks chirping and tiny cigarettes being smoked, the male soon departed and was followed by the female, most likely asking him if he was going to call her later.

At the time, I didn’t think much of it because I’ve watched plenty of bird mating rituals in college. And by birds, I mean people; and by watching, I mean peering through a window; and by college, I mean last week.

I didn’t even think Emma saw it until she asked, “Daddy, what were those birds doing?”

I never thought I would be asked THAT question, meaning I was no way prepared on how to answer THAT question.

So I did what surely would have made my wife elbow me in the ribs if she were with us, I doubled over in hysterical laughter.

And, of course, I realized why laughing would have made my wife elbow me; laughing made Emma ask more questions and since I didn’t have answers for any follow-up questions, I laughed a little more while trying to think of something to say.

“What were they doing!?” she persisted.

“Oh man!” I said, wiping tears from my eyes and taking it down to a chuckle. “It looks like they were trying to play hopscotch.”

That worked as she joined in my merriment and laughed, totally agreeing that they were trying to play hopscotch, and an awkward parental moment was avoided.

I then had to face the fact that living in a rural area where there’s deer, turkeys and the occasional Big Foot sighting, she may have to see nature at its naughtiest and sooner or later, the hopscotch explanation won’t fly … or hop, I guess, in this case.

It felt like it was something on which I had to dwell…more so than my church group said I should, but I needed to know where the line was when it came to explaining away animals doing THAT physical act in the presence of a child.

I’d figure that line would be at the dogs. The reason is because dogs are domesticated animals, they’re large enough in most cases where certain details can be visible — if you know what I mean — and sooner or later in one’s life, a dog will try to make a go at your leg. And when you’re the victim of that kind of assault, you need to know EXACTLY what’s going on.

Don’t get me wrong, dogs “playing hopscotch” is still funny, and I would certainly laugh when seeing it no matter who’s around me.

With that settled, I then had to decide what species of animal getting down and dirty would cease causing laughter from me and make me to turn Emma away much like Indiana Jones did when they opened the Ark of the Covenant in “Raiders of the Lost Ark”.

The answer: Monkeys, apes, chimpanzees, gorillas, etc. Why? Because they’re the closest animals related to humans. Plus, I figure we would just see them in the zoo, and the zoo has plenty of distractions like birds pooping on things in the aviary.

Speaking of which, if a monkey would happen to throw its own poop, then all bets are off because I’m busting a gut laughing because I would be completely clueless on how to explain that to anyone.

“Daddy, what are the monkeys doing?” Emma would ask.

“They’re making love,” I would reply while doubled over and receiving furious elbow pokes from my wife.

According to Hofmann is written by staff reporter Mark Hofmann of Belle Vernon. Watch Mark’s video series at heraldstandard.com and YouTube. Like and follow him on Facebook and Twitter.

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