Apr 29, 2018 By Mark Hofmann mhofmann@heraldstandard.Com 5 min read

I’ve tried speaking to adults about the terror of shopping with my 8-year-old stepdaughter, Emma, to find a solution, but the suicide hotline operators keep hanging up on me and the churches won’t offer me sanctuary.

So, with all pain in life, I wanted to write a column about it because pain is funny, but I never knew how to approach the subject until I learned about The Hero’s Journey.

Author and carpenter Joseph Campbell provided the blueprint of almost every hero’s story in 12 steps … except for Batman because he can do it in four because he’s Batman.

I figured the story of me going to the store with Emma after she receives a gift card for her birthday easily applies to the hero’s journey.

Step #1 Ordinary World: A hero’s safe place prior to his journey.

For me, that was the day of Emma’s birthday where life was on the verge of going back to some normalcy after a previous heroic journey to plan and execute her birthday party.

Step #2 Call to Adventure: An event disrupts the hero’s ordinary world and a call to action presents a quest.

No, my call to adventure wasn’t the 3,000 dolls Emma received at her party as most of those obstacles “get lost” in a “dumpster” on “the way home.” My call was from the single gift card to Toys R Us, yes, the ones that had just announced they are about to close.

Step #3 Refusal of the Call: Fears or doubts causes the hero to refuse the call.

“But I don’t wanna GO!” I said with a pouty lip while stomping my feet at the request by my wife, Amber, to go to the store where past experience and new fears forewarned that I’ll have a miserable time.

However, we were going to the Olive Garden afterwards, so that was my push to the journey’s next step.

Step #4 Meeting the Mentor: The hero receives guidance from a mentor, who gives him something either tangible, intangible, tangled or Tang to help in the quest.

My best mentor in that situation was myself from the past as me-he, and I’m-he’s always willing to meet him-me in the mirror for a pep talk where me-he handed me-him a cell phone so I can play games. Me-he is so smart.

Step #5 Crossing the Threshold: The Hero is now ready to act upon the call by entering a world for which he’s unfamiliar or scared to enter.

I was less than thrilled to be entering the store for reasons that you’ll soon read later, but I never liked the idea of going to a store after they announced they’re going out of business.

You feel like a vulture when you join the other vultures, going through the carcass of the all-but-dead beast of a store you hardly frequented, which was why it’s closing in the first place.

I also find it hard to make eye contact with the employees, who still go to work and be professional as they see their surroundings dwindle away while the bargain-hunter zombies are gnawing away at whatever discounts they can find.

So, to avoid bothering or even looking at the employees, I have to rely on my tracking and pursuit skills because…

Step #6 Tests, Allies, Enemies: The hero must overcome challenges and obstacles while trying to find out who can be trusted and who can’t.

I know it sounds cruel, but the enemy in my adventure is Emma because giving Emma a gift card is like giving the Joker a tanker truck full of poisonous gas.

Not that Emma is a destructive psychopath because the only thing she kills is time and the only thing she eats away at is my patience.

Even though she rushed into the store like a bull in a china shop, this is an indecisive bull in a shop where everything is made in China.

We try to keep up with Emma as she hits the first aisle, focusing in on what she wants and snatching it from the shelf, hugging it like a long-lost relative that miraculously costs just as much as the amount on her gift card.

Then there’s me — full of hope that this experience will be quick and painless until a former ally betrays me.

“Emma, are you sure you want that?” Amber says for reasons beyond my understanding and crushing my trust.

Amber’s been involved in this exact situation in the past and knows what’s in store in the store … and yet, she sabotages everything by putting doubt in Emma’s head.

Before I can save the day by uttering, “I think that doll will go great with the 2,827 other dolls in her bedroom.” Emma has dropped the doll, stomped on its head and continued on to the next aisle with us in tow.

While I thought the continuous process of her picking up something, wanting it and then changing her mind was bad enough, I was wrong.

And, like a good hero’s story, I must end this column with a cliffhanger to pick up and conclude next week.

So stay tuned … even though this is a newspaper.

According to Hofmann is written by staff reporter Mark Hofmann of Belle Vernon. Watch Mark’s video series at heraldstandard.com and YouTube. Like and follow him on Facebook and Twitter.