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According to Hofmann: Love shines brightest when it’s manufactured

By Mark Hofmann mhofmann@heraldstandard.Com 5 min read
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It’s a shame I didn’t hear about the story I’m about to share with you before Valentine’s Day, because it’s not too often you read a true story of true love that conquers all obstacles … and that’s the truth.

The Sun newspaper in the United Kingdom reported that a British woman and a chandelier are going to tie the knot — meaning they’re getting married. Not literally “tying the knot” because I don’t know if possible to tie a chandelier in a knot and if it were possible, it would be really hard to do, so, in that regard, it’s better to just marry the chandelier.

I know what you’re thinking. How can you say love conquers all when it’s extremely easy to say you’re engaged to anything? For example, I now proclaim I’m in love with my toaster and will marry it in the spring.”

First, I can understand being lonely and desperate and having a brief affair with your toaster or maybe take your toaster oven out on a nice date, but being engaged to it is just plain disturbing.

Plus, you need to know the whole story to understand where I’m coming from.

The woman is in her early 30s and first discovered her future fiancé’, “Lumiere” on Ebay and spent over $500 to have the 90-year-old female chandelier brought to her home where her 24 other chandeliers reside.

Now look at it this way: the young woman fell in love with another woman who’s nearly 60 years older than her, which is not a big deal as society has come a long way with viewpoints on age differences and same-sex relationships.

Keep in mind, I don’t know how the woman could tell Lumiere is a female–maybe she peeked under Lumiere’s crystals — because I’m not a chandelier expert by any means.

Also, not only was this love at first sight, but the love came from an online relationship, which is another hurdle all together because you never know what kind of weirdos are online — am I right?

Next, the woman paid money to free her love from what I could only conclude was a illegal pawn operation on the Internet, and a cruel one at that because they mailed “Lumiere” in pieces with some assembly required upon delivery.

Can you imagine if the mailing address was wrong? The person opening the box that contained “Lumiere” would have been horrified to see that some kidnapping/ransom transaction went horribly wrong.

Then, after those trials and tribulations, the woman brings “Lumiere” home where she enjoys an open relationship with what appears to be an extravagant and fabulous harem of 24 other chandeliers.

Dear Hollywood, boy do we have a blockbuster romantic comedy movie and potential Oscar contender for you!

And everyone thought the Oscar-winning movie “The Shape of Water” was an ultra-romantic tearjerker of a story of unlikely love between a woman and a fishman.

Being awe inspired by the story, I had to read more into it as the woman said she couldn’t stop thinking about how beautiful “Lumiere” was by her shape and the energy she felt coming from “Lumiere”; however, the article did not specify if “Lumiere” required a wall outlet or the amount of wattage required for her to glow.

The bride-to-be continued that she’s excited because she’s never been engaged before, but I must warn her that being engaged isn’t as exciting and romantic as it seems.

It wears off fast as people continue to ask you when the wedding date will be, you have to meet your significant other’s parents (well, manufacturers, in this case) and you have to worry about the cake, the guest list, the caterers, the decorations (even though the other bride can be considered to be a decoration) and how to pay for it all.

Take my advice and elope to a Macy’s department store where “Lumiere” will at least be with some friends and family in the home décor department.

Along with chandeliers, the article states the woman has had a history with other inanimate objects as she describes herself as having a deep attraction to objects, including her first relationship with a drum kit when she was 14. To be fair, I’m sure this was just her bad-girl rebellion phase to date someone in a rock band.

With that, I’m glad she matured since then, and I do congratulate the happy couple and making it despite all the odds that were in their way, and I hope I’m invited to the wedding.

I’ll probably bring my toaster as my date.

Don’t worry. My wife and I have an agreement to see our kitchen appliances on the side.

According to Hofmann is written by staff reporter Mark Hofmann of Belle Vernon. Watch Mark’s video series at heraldstandard.com and YouTube. Like and follow him on Facebook and Twitter.

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