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According to Hofmann: Beware of the Kiosk People!

By Mark Hofmann mhofmann@heraldstandard.Com 5 min read
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I remember an episode of “The Twilight Zone” where an old farmhand dies along with his dog, and the man is almost tricked into stepping into the gates of hell before the dog stops him by refusing to go in — oh, sorry, spoiler alert.

That episode pops in my mind when I’m in the store with my wife, and when we begin getting close to the Kiosk People.

The Kiosk People are what I call the salespeople stationed in department stores and normally hover around draped tabled littered with product ads for services like phone, Internet, TV, roofing, insurance, dog-nappings, gutter repairs, arson, Christopher Walken impressions and so much more.

No matter what they’re selling, they all have the same phrase to reel you into their trap.

“How are you folks doing today?”

Those not keen enough to avoid them by slipping into another aisle can always deflect them by not responding, rushing by and avoiding eye contact or cutting to the chase and uttering “not interested” and continue along at an increased speed…like Olympic-style dashing.

However, my wife, Amber, does none of the above.

I don’t know if she sees the danger from far away or not. I know I see it. Sometimes I hear it before I see it — like a series of “how are you folks doing today” greetings over and over like the siren of an approaching ambulance.

I try to warn her, but she’s going on and on and on and on about stuff we need to buy, stuff we should put back on the shelf, stuff we don’t need to get until next time, stuff we would like to get if we can afford it, stuff that I never buy her, stuff that other wives’ husbands buy for them and why don’t I ever buy that stuff for her, etc.

With that, Amber happily walks into the gates of consumer hell, face to face with the Kiosk Person from Satellite Cable Land.

“How are you folks doing today?” the man asked, smiling because he smelled blood in the water as a loaded shopping cart between Amber and me prevented any maneuvering around so I could control the narrative of the conversation.

“We’re good!” she said while making — not breaking — eye contact and even slowing to a stop like a fatally-wounded gazelle in front of a drooling jackal.

It just so happened that I found myself in a similar situation a week prior when I was shopping alone for suspicious items like rope, garbage bags, meat cleavers, rubber gloves, disinfectant spray and black bean and corn salsa.

So, reasonably enough, I wasn’t paying attention until I was in the path of a Kiosk Person, and he locked onto me a half second later.

And I, like rookie fool, made eye contact.

“How are you doing today?” he asked and didn’t wait for an answer because he was a pro. “Can I ask what cable or satellite service you use?”

“What?” I said, slowly putting my index finger up my nostril, hoping I can ride the stupid route through it and escape, but it didn’t work as he asked me again, but it at least gave me time to identify the company logo splattered all over his table. “I have (the crap you’re pushing).”

“My man!” he said as he raised his hand for a high five, but then quickly retracted it when my finger exited my nose.

But that memory was wiped away as I heard this Kiosk Person say to Amber, “Can I ask you what cable or satellite service you use?”

The ball was in Amber’s court and it was either do or die. She needed to be observant and respond like I’ve trained her.

But, of course, she mentioned to him we have the competing cable company, which caused the guy to launch in his sales pitch; that involved asking us what we liked to watch, bringing out a dry marker board to do side-by-side comparisons between his company and the apparent turd-service we use, bringing out refugee children to beg us to go with his service and then ended the pitch the way all salespeople end pitches with, “So, we can set you up today” which should be phrased as a question, but the guy was a pro for a reason.

Then Amber, following the same routine as before, looked at me, already knowing what my thoughts were on the subject — dummy up and run!!!!

“Uh, we’ll talk about it,” she said. “Will you be here later?”

I’m thinking of course he will – -he has a fold-out bed and a can of beans cooking on a miniature propane stove under the kiosk.

The Kiosk Person, knowing it was a battle lost because nobody ever returns to see them later, allowed us to continue on our way.

While I was disappointed that Amber didn’t correctly avoid the Kiosk Person, I was glad the horror was over until I heard another bone-chilling pre-confrontation warning siren go off in my ears.

“My friend’s husband got her a new cable TV package,” Amber said. “Why won’t you?”

According to Hofmann is written by staff reporter Mark Hofmann of Belle Vernon. Watch Mark’s video series at heraldstandard.com and YouTube. Like and follow him on Facebook and Twitter.

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