Oct 28, 2018 By Mark Hofmann mhofmann@heraldstandard.Com 5 min read

I admit that I’m not a big science fiction fan — some Ray Bradbury books here, a few episodes of “Star Trek” there — but I am a HUGE follower of science fiction featuring robotic prostitutes in such television shows like “Westworld” and in such movies like “Westworld.”

I even started a file to document every aspect of it because I’m sure it will become a reality someday … just for research purposes, of course.

In that regards, I recently found out that the future is now … kinda.

In a recent Associated Press story, city officials in Houston, Texas, prevented the construction of a “robot brothel” (a.k.a. “house of animatronics” a.k.a., “warehouse,” if you want to be vulgar) in the city by amending a local ordinance to ban individuals from having sex with an “anthropomorphic device” (a.k.a. “cyborg call girl ” a.k.a. “gigabyte gigolo”).

Prior to amending the ordinance, Houston Mayor Sylvester Turner had asked the city’s legal and health departments to review all ordinances, including those related to sexually-oriented businesses, to see if any laws existed on the books.

I’m sure if you go through city ordinances, you’ll be hard pressed to find the subsection inspired by an episode of “The Jetsons” where Rosie the Robot was fired as the family’s robotic maid and had to mechanically turn tricks with a socket wrench to make ends meet, or maybe that’s just an episode I constantly daydreamed about while in elementary school.

The updated city ordinance was under the regulations of adult arcades and adult mini-theaters, essentially classifying a robot prostitute as an arcade device.

I honestly don’t know what to say about that other than feeling the need to ask the manufacturers where do clients put the quarters and asking myself if I can ever look at Ms. Pac-Man the same way ever again.

The Canadian company, KinkySdollS, which was behind this failed literal red-light district, wanted to open what they call their second “love dolls brothel” in Houston as their other brothel is located in Toronto.

Now, I’m not here to argue the pros and cons, rights and wrongs, or bolts and thongs of a robot brothel opening in a city.

There are certainly advantages and disadvantages of using robots for such work versus humans and the surprising limited number of jokes I can write about it — mainly because half of them can’t be printed in the paper and the remaining jokes will surely be the subject of a letter-writing campaign from Mothers Against Robotic Streetwalkers (MARS) and Valedictorians Engaging in New Universal Sex (VENUS), all looking to get me canned, which is not in reference to robotic posteriors, unless you’re into that.

A part of my take on the subject is all about product branding.

First, the company’s name is KinkySdollS, which really leaves nothing to the imagination of what they sell. When it comes to the sale of carnal plastic pleasures for profit, one needs to be mysterious to create some curiosity.

For that, you need a company name like Madam2.0 or Circuit Broads or Rebooty Inc.

If you don’t want to be mysterious, then you might as well have fun with the name of your business, which might be a good idea when your clientele is basically men wanting to have a one-night stand with The Latex Toaster Oven, which is a great name for the business … or The Toy Chest or Radio Shack-Up.

For example, take Nevada’s legal brothel’s name, The Bunny Ranch — it’s cute, easy to remember and it stays with you, much like the disease you catch after visiting the place if the proper precautions aren’t taken, unless you’re into that.

That brings me to another reason why the powers that be in Houston are against having such a business in their city — the health and wellness of what I assume are the more upstanding members on the outer fringe of the Houston dating scene.

So maybe that in of itself is an argument for a house of ill repair, to keep certain people from taking it upon themselves to — since these things are now considered to be arcade games — to advance to another level, if you know what I mean because I really don’t know.

Just imagine that townsfolk back in the 1860s joining together and managing to run the last house of ill repute out of town and the schoolmarm/waitress/town crier gives a sigh of relief and declares, “It’s finally over.”

“I wish it were, Miss Missy,” the town elder/drunk/sheriff says, staring off in the distance. “Someday they’ll be back, but they’ll be powerful and not human. Of course, I’m talking about machines taking part in the flesh trade. You remember Crazy Floyd Johnson not being able to have kids after the incident with his mamma’s spinning wheel?

Don’t fool around with them machines, or they’ll fool around with you…unless you’re into that.”

According to Hofmann is written by staff reporter Mark Hofmann of Rostraver Township. His book, “Stupid Brain,” is now available for purchase on Amazon.com.