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According to Hofmann: Who let the dogs talk?

By Mark Hofmann mhofmann@heraldstandard.Com 4 min read
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Being around dogs all my life, I learned a few things like how to mark my territory wherever I go, how to gnaw my limb off if its ever stuck in a trap and then how to heal a wound by licking it clean and the most important, I’ve learned a dog’s language.

Now, before I go on and teach you this skill, let’s be clear that I’m not a dog whisperer or even a dog conversationalist. I’m merely a dog observer, listening to what they say and how they say it in the context of the situation … like marking their territory.

Let’s start with the bark–woof-woof, bow-wow, yip-yip, ruff-ruff, see-saw, yee-haw, etc.

No matter how they bark, the English word a dog’s bark translates to “hey”.

For example, when someone knocks at the door, and when your dog goes ballistic with a “woof-woof”, your dog is really saying, “Hey! Hey!” in the context of “There’s someone here!”

If they’re barking at the person who’s arrived at your home or at your car, your dog is saying “Hey! Hey! (You’re not welcome here!)” or if the dog is excited to see someone familiar, their bark is saying “Hey! Hey! (I like you! Welcome to my master’s home! Prepare for me to lovingly jump on you, lick your face and sniff parts of your body that will surely embarrass everyone except me because I can’t get enough of it! And don’t get me started on what I want to do to your leg!)”

If your dog barks when someone is leaving like my mom’s dog always does, we know he’s saying, “Hey! Hey! (Someone’s leaving!)” or “Hey! Hey! (You’re leaving!)” or if we’re leaving with my mom, he’ll bark “Hey! Hey! (You’re leaving without me! It would be a shame if a carpet gets soiled while you’re away!)”

The same goes when a dog will bark on command when presented a treat for being a good dog by performing a trick like shaking hands, rolling over, not soiling the carpet while you’re away or chasing gypsies from your backyard.

The context with that bark is “Hey! (Give me the treat already!) Hey! (You said I was a good dog, now pay up!)”

Have you ever been at home some night in a quiet house and your dog jump-starts your heart by suddenly barking at nothing? Well, they don’t really know what they’re barking at either because they pretty much tell you so when they say, “Hey! (What was that?) Hey! (That scared me, too!)”

If they do see something like a rabbit outside or another dog that has made its way to your yard to do some territory marking or if the gypsies have returned, dogs will often run to the window, bark and look around for you as to say, “Hey! (You gotta come and check this out!)”

No doubt the “hey” bark is the most complex word a dog has with various meanings, but there are other sounds your dog makes that have meanings, too.

Growling: A subtle to stern warning that translates to “Oh” as in “don’t go there” or “bring it on.”

Muttering: Those miscellaneous sounds dogs make that sounds like “brougloughoughmmn” and that translates to “OK” in the context of either lying down and easing into comfort or just begrudgingly going along with a situation like being checked for worms.

Licking of the chops: You may think it means “I’m hungry,” which in a certain context, it is, but it translates to “yes” as in “yes I’m hungry” or “yes I’m willing to sniff your guests in unmentionable places.”

Sneezing: Your dogs are telling you they have an irritant in their oronasal passage.

So, now you know all you need to know about what your dog is saying to you, and it’s important to know that you can understand dogs the same way they understand us; they know a few words, understand a few names and recognize facial features like when they watch our faces while we’re marking our territory … and they do watch us do that … whenever they get the chance … waiting for the right moment to go after your leg.

According to Hofmann is written by staff reporter Mark Hofmann of Rostraver Township. His book, “Stupid Brain,” is now available for purchase on Amazon.com.

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