According to Hofmann: A beer pitcher is worth a thousand words
This week’s column should be filed under W for “what?” “why?” and “what again?”
I read an article concerning a beer company releasing a brand of beer with a chemical composition that can develop Super 8 film.
If you don’t know what Super 8 film is, it’s basically a film format manufactured by Kodak for motion pictures that is developed by use of a chemicals.
But what you really want to know is…”Why on God’s green Earth and the limited logic this planet holds would anyone want to develop film with beer? Why would I want to develop Super 8 film when I have a camera phone that shoots HD video of squirrels mating in the park? How do I watch a Super 8 film? Where do I buy Super 8 film? What beer company would want to make beer to develop Super 8 film? Why are you holding me against my will in this attic crawl space and telling me about beer that can develop film?”
Well, I can’t really answer any of those questions except for the last one by saying that I have what they call “issues” and the second-to-the-last question by saying, Dogfish Head brewery, of course.
Since I read about this on April Fool’s day, I had to go to the Dogfish Head website to make sure it was legit, and then I went back a week later to make sure the information wasn’t taken down after April 1.
Yep. It’s legit.
According to the brewery’s website, the founder and CEO Sam Calagione found out when listening to a Kodak podcast (which I only assume is a real thing) that if a beer’s PH level is low enough, it might be able to help develop Super 8 film.
So, their SuperEIGHT brand of beer was created and included ingredients like prickly pear, mango, boysenberry, blackberry, raspberry, elderberry, kiwi juices, toasted quinoa and red Hawaiian sea salt.
I don’t know about anyone else, but after mowing the lawn and I want to relax with a beer, or if I want to head to the local biker bar to start a fight by smashing a beer bottle over someone’s head, I want my beer to have elderberries and red Hawaiian sea salt in it. Am I right, fellas?
When did Willy Wonka start a brewery? I can only imagine getting the golden ticket for that tour.
“Come, children, feast your eyes on my latest creation! It’s beer that develops film — it’s Wonka Beer!”
“Pfft! That’s impossible, Mr. Wonka!”
“We are the music makers, and we are the drinkers of drinks.”
I don’t want it to sound like I’m dissing the beer company for trying something different because I like Dogfish Head beer and as a lifelong beer drinker, I always love to see homebrewers, microbrewers and even run-of-the-mill beer companies try something new and different.
I’ve attended beer festivals and beer tasting parties where they’ve come up with crazy flavors that worked like maple syrup and other flavors that don’t work like grasshopper puke.
I also come from a family that has been known to sob over spilled/wasted beer, and I would believe many dead relatives would be spinning in their graves like hotdogs on those metal rollers if they would see someone cracking open a beer and pouring it in a stop bath in a dark room.
“Why are you wasting that ale to develop another one of those crappy found-footage movies?” the ghost of my great-great-great grandfather would say.
“It’s flavored with kiwi, mango and toasted quinoa.”
“What’s quinoa?”
“I don’t know — nobody knows, actually.”
“Blech! Then do what you will with it. I’m going to haunt the Budweiser brewery.”
Old Jebediah Hofmann has a point. If you’re going to brew beer that can develop film, why not just use the normal processing chemicals and add some hops and yeast instead of making it a salty exotic fruit punch?
Just make it a beer so rancid and, let’s face it, poisonous, that it makes Grain Belt beer taste like Guinness.
I mean, we might as well at this point start mass producing prison toilet wine to have the “inmate experience” or make a beer that cleans dentures during the night. It could even replace modern medicine.
“Doctor! This man’s leg has severe gangrene! We may have to amputate!”
“Settle down, nurse! There’s still a chance we can save the leg. I need you to bring me an Ace bandage and swing by the six-pack shop down the street.”
Well, I’d hate to end this column as a plug to a beer that I would unlikely drink or use for photography or vehicle polish, but Dogfish Head’s SuperEIGHT will be released this month and available wherever beer or analog photography equipment is sold.
According to Hofmann is written by staff reporter Mark Hofmann of Rostraver Township. His book, “Stupid Brain,” is available on Amazon.com.