According to Hofmann: Prank you very much…the pandemic edition
Well, I have to start out this week’s column with an apology because the subject of the column, April Fool’s Day, has already passed.
I mean, you can’t blame me for forgetting to write it before the April Fool’s Day, as I’ve been busy stockpiling ham, surgical masks, gin and weapons to prepare for Easter. Nothing can go wrong with that combination.
Instead of waiting a whole year to post a column on April Fool’s etiquette, I can do it now after the holiday so you can remember what the holiday was like instead of trying to capture its magic of pranks and light torture amidst the backdrop of a global pandemic.
It’s like drinking root beer when you’re thinking you’re about to drink chocolate milk; sure, it sounds good on paper, but when practiced, you’re choking and your brain is scrambled for several hours.
On the day in question, I pulled a prank my 10-year-old stepdaughter, Emma on her first day of tele-school or tele-tubbies or tele-kinesis–I don’t know the proper word for it.
Anyway, after she woke up at 11 a.m. and appeared by my side as I was covering a virtual press conference or virtual tour or virtual reality–I don’t know the proper terms anymore–I asked her if she was ready for her first day of “school.” When she said she wasn’t, I told her that was good because it’s only for one day and then she goes back to normal school tomorrow on the bus.
“Nooooooo!” she whined before I dropped the April Fool’s bomb on her.
I thought it was mildly appropriate April Fool’s joke: it was relevant to current events, but not terrifying, so it wasn’t bittersweet, but it was bitter-humorous.
On the other hand, what’s sour-serious would be exploiting the coronavirus in the name of a terrifying April Fool’s joke. I mean, by all accounts, I have a sick sense of humor, but I do know where the line is and I stay the CDC-required six feet away from it.
For example, visiting your grandparents and coughing all over them, and then saying, “April Fool’s! I don’t have COVID-19…at least I don’t think I do. Anyway do you have any cookies?”
While that is awful, the biggest April Fool’s no-no is trying to convince someone that your April 1 joke is real when they obviously know it’s not.
My wife and I have had fights over this and even though it’s a silly matter, the divorce court judge didn’t see the humor in it.
Let’s look at a reasonable exchange:
“Hey, man! Your shoes are on fire!”
“Yeah right! I know it’s April Fool’s.”
“Oh well, at least I tried.”
Now here’s an exchange in the real and insane world…
“Hey, man! Your shoes are on fire!”
“Yeah right! I know it’s April Fool’s.”
“No! I’m not kidding! Your shoes are actually on fire!”
“Well, no, because I don’t feel any heat or smell any smoke, I’m looking at my shoes right now, there’s no fire and it’s April Fool’s.”
“No, I swear it’s not! You are a total jerk for not believing what I’m saying!”
“Ugh…on no…my shoes are like totally on fire.”
“Hahahaha! April Fools! I got you good, you stupid idiot!!!”
So, along with avoiding joking about a dire medical diagnosis and/or the apocalypse, a prankster should know to end the joke after the bluff has been called.
Sure, it’s easy to fool someone when they’re unaware it’s April 1, but when they do have their guard up–or if the prank is really good–then it takes some convincing.
Now, if the person you’re trying to prank tells you they don’t believe you, by all means, keep on keeping on with it. However, you must stop when they reference April Fool’s Day.
Some examples include saying, “I know what day it is” or “It’s April Fool’s Day” or even if you had the bad luck of being named April, you have to stop when they say, “I know you’re trying to fool me, April”.
It’s like screaming “Uncle” to get someone to stop torturing you, which is a disturbing concept unto itself.
With that, stay safe, stay strong, cover those mouths, wash those hands, stay six feet away from pretty much everything and join me next week where my Easter column will be right on schedule. I’m stockpiling jokes for it right now.
According to Hofmann is written by staff reporter Mark Hofmann of Rostraver Township. He co-hosts the “Locally Yours” radio show on WMBS 590 AM every Friday. His book, “Stupid Brain,” is available on Amazon.com.