According to Hofmann: “Dear Hate” and other stupid things
There’s a lot of things on social media that really tick me off like ticks, things, teeth bleeding and social media, but the one thing that really makes my teeth bleed are people addressing intangible things like feelings, attitudes, beliefs or ideas as if they were real people.
For example, I recently saw a post that started with, “Dear Hate,” followed by a long paragraph on how hate is bad and what it has done to society. It was, like, super-serious. There wasn’t even an “LOL” throughout the entire thing, but I think I saw one or two emoji faces.
A part of me was glad to have seen that post because, all this time, I thought it was unsafe mercury levels in tuna that was causing such problems in society, but pinning it on Hate was surely an eye opener.
I mean, I don’t want to discourage someone’s right to spread their opinion, letting off some steam or to try to influence others, but I have to wonder if someone making such a post decides to brag about it later.
“Before dinner starts, family, I have an announcement. Today, I sent an open message on Facebook to Hate, I told Hate it has no room in our society and will not be tolerated wherever it rears its ugly head.”
Then some family members applaud and say, “Yes, yes, so brave,” over and over again while that one uncle puts down his gin and tonic and says, “That’s the stupidest thing I ever heard … and what’s a Facebook?”
To be honest, I couldn’t go on social media and make a post to address such emotions or thoughts like that without being a smart aleck.
More than likely, my posts would start with things like this:
“Dear Mental Illness, this is going to sound crazy, but …”
“Dear Incontinence, I can’t hold this in anymore …”
“Dear Intolerance, I know you’re not going to like this …”
“Dear Loneliness, is anyone else there? I need to tell you something …”
“Dear Oversensitivity, I don’t mean to upset you, but …”
“Dear Poverty, can you afford a minute to hear what I have to say?”
“Dear Indifference, not that you care, but …”
“Dear Stupidity, this is going to go way over your head …”
“Dear Violence, put down the knife and listen to me …”
“Dear Short Attention Span … Oooh! Something shiny!”
Maybe it’s the lawyer inside of me (I once ate a lawyer, but that’s another column for another time entitled “Dear Gluttony”), but wouldn’t it be better to verbally attack someone who actually has the ability to communicate to defend themselves?
There’s nothing I want more than to actually reply to that post I saw as Hate.
“Dear ButterflyTwinkleToes89, Hate here. I’ve been around since the first human emerged out of the primordial ooze and have always thrived off the weakness, jealousy and prejudices of your species. However, I must say, your poorly spelled post that you made while sitting on the toilet during your smoke break at the 711 really changed my mind and also made me want to change my name from Hate to Mild Loathing. Thank you.”
That, ladies and gentlemen and Literacy, is the solution to the issue at hand.
Social media needs to appoint real people or state-of-the-art computer programs as those intangible things like Hate, Greed, Jealousy, Indigestion, etc. to respond to these people and maybe cause a better understanding between the two parties to finally make people stop posting such stupid, annoying things.
I don’t know. Maybe it’s just one annoying thing that’s a part of all the annoyances that I find in my life daily.
Annoyance. Maybe that’s something I should address.
According to Hofmann is written by staff reporter Mark Hofmann of Rostraver Township. His books, “Good Mourning! A Guide to Biting the Big One … and Dying, Too” and “Stupid Brain,” are available on Amazon.com. He co-hosts the “Locally Yours” radio show on WMBS 590 AM every Friday.