According to Hofmann: I say, “I do!” to virtual weddings
It’s no big secret that I both admire and fear two things: technology and mannequins. With every new advancement that makes our lives better and easier, there’s always a dark side, always the potential for things to get really bad and we end up with a scenario like in “The Terminator” or “The Matrix” or “Mannequin Two: On the Move.”
However, I find no flaws or hidden evils when it comes to virtual weddings.
I’ve been invited to two virtual weddings–my cousin’s wedding last year and her daughter’s wedding over the weekend, both held in New Mexico.
Don’t get me wrong, I would have loved to have been in New Mexico to see all the “do you’s?” and “I do’s!” through the WiFi connection at the hotel because I love my family, but I hate weddings.
Before I get into the joys of the virtual wedding, let’s go over some of the old, some of the tried, some of the borrowed and some of the blues that wedding guests have to endure.
First, you have to wait. You get a save-the-date card that says you have to wait for the real invitation to arrive, you have to wait in the church for the thing to start and then you have to wait outside the church for the couple to come out. After that, you have to go to the reception and wait there during the wedding party’s photo shoot, then you have to wait to get food and then you have to wait for the thing to be over.
Second, even though it’s a family affair, you normally end up sitting with a stranger at the table. Maybe it’s one of my bugaboos, but when there’s a stranger where I’m sitting, I never know what to say or ask why they were invited to the wedding because they may be a relative or they may be a relative since an hour ago. No matter what, I’ll end up saying something stupid.
That brings me to my third point, which are the opportunities to humiliate yourself.
Sure, those opportunities exist everywhere, but it seems like they’re maximized at a wedding. It’s something felt by the bride, the groom and the guests alike. It’s a big, important day where many people’s minds and cameras are switched to “record” because they want to cherish and relive every moment.
That gives anyone the chance to be a part of the blooper reel of those memories by saying the wrong thing, falling down, spilling/dropping food and/or drink and/or having a medical emergency, breaking something, drinking too much, hurling out profanities during the toast or laughing at something inappropriate.
Fourth and fifth point: dancing and dressing up. I hate doing both.
A virtual wedding eliminates or, at the very least, greatly reduces all of those social pitfalls.
First, it cuts the waiting time down by 90%. You get a card in the mail, telling you to click on a link on a certain day to watch the wedding. In my cousin’s case, the waiting time was a few hours prior to their impromptu event — it was wonderful!
Second, I can sit pretty much wherever I want — kitchen table, couch, the porch, the bathtub, the toilet — and I didn’t have to make small talk with strangers.
For the record, I didn’t sit on the toilet during the two virtual weddings, but during my cousin’s wedding, I did have to make small talk with a stranger, but that’s because I forgot to close the door at my house.
Now, the opportunity to embarrass myself still remained prevalent during the wedding; however, the window for others to actually notice the embarrassment was greatly reduced to, well, what looked like a window on the computer.
The best part about that was the fact that if I had a booger hanging or something, I could cut my video feed to pretty myself up again, essentially blinding people from me like I have mutant powers or something.
That brings me back to my fourth point, which is that even if there is a dress code for a virtual wedding, I can control the camera angle so they can’t see my “Who Farted?” t-shirt.
Last, but certainly not least, no dancing. Even if they peer pressure you into dancing, just pick up your phone and camera and move it all around to create the illusion of dance.
Truly, the benefits of attending a virtual wedding are bountiful; however, the one caveat is, even though it’s a virtual wedding, you still actually have to attend.
You can appear drunk, unshaven, yelling at imaginary peacocks or trying to beat the record for the most number of Slim Jim sticks shoved in your mouth, but at least have the decency for “being there” and whatever you do, never — ever — put a mannequin in your place or some bad, apocalyptic stuff will happen.
Trust me.
According to Hofmann is written by staff reporter Mark Hofmann of Rostraver Township. His books, “Good Mourning! A Guide to Biting the Big One…and Dying, Too” and “Stupid Brain,” are available on Amazon.com. He co-hosts the “Locally Yours” radio show on WMBS 590 AM every Friday.