Oct 3, 2021 By Mark Hofmann mhofmann@heraldstandard.Com 5 min read

I always find myself wondering about the origin of things like art, plastic and…well, that’s about it.

You see, art is a very broad subject. It encompasses many things like literature, paintings, acting, singing, drawing, photography, sculpting, watermelon smashing and, of course, plastic.

One medium of art is dancing, which I find totally fascinating when I think of how it all came about.

I also find dancing mind-bendingly stupid when I’m in situations that require me to do it.

The most recent was at a wedding where I fulfilled a vow I made to my wife that I will dance a slow dance with her whenever we’re in the same room where there’s dancing taking place.

Anyway, as if you couldn’t tell, I don’t like to dance and when I say “don’t like to dance”, I mean I hate it with every fiber of my being.

They say you should dance like nobody is watching, but I say dance like everybody is watching and judging you with critical eyes like you’re on a TV talent show where they can Tonya Harding your kneecaps, and that’s if you come in second place.

Even if nobody is watching, I don’t dance, and I’m not just saying that because I think either the government or aliens (or both) are observing us at all times. I just don’t dance — just ask Agent Zorkthm, the extraterrestrial g-man assigned to me, and he’ll confirm that statement.

Anyway, I did a simple internet search, asking “what’s the purpose of dancing?” and found a few articles that answered many questions, but none to my satisfaction.

One article states that the purpose of dance is to express an idea or emotion, releasing energy or simply taking delight in the movement itself.

Okay. So, answer me this: where does the dance move the Stanky Leg fit into that definition?

One portion of the article that did catch my attention was a section about how not to look awkward while you dance.

The advice it offered was to find your body’s natural groove because no two people have the exact same bodies, music tastes, dance training, pain tolerance or life experiences.

I’m a fat, white guy from Southwestern Pennsylvania who listens to a band called “J. Roddy Walston and The Business.” What’s my body’s groove and preferred dance move called, “Changing a Tire in a Snowstorm”?

While the articles were thorough and informative, I’m afraid it was all pro-dance propaganda that didn’t take the supposed history of dance in consideration.

Perhaps a dance historian would be better suited to talk about the origins of dance. Though, I did once drove by a dance studio and a bookstore on the same street, so I think I’m qualified enough.

Obviously, you can’t have dancing without music and since music was invented in 1895, dance was invented in 1892 when Ludwig Van Beethoven was playing the harpsichord at Carnegie Music Hall and a few of the concert goers decided to stand up and shake their tail feathers.

Well, as you can imagine, that didn’t go over so well as others in the room concluded the contorting concert attendees were witches and warlocks possessed by the devil and were all subsequently burned at the stake that night.

Unfortunately, while the bodies were burning in the town square, Beethoven was playing the saxophone solo to the Billy Joel song “Just the Way You Are” and that, along with the glow of the human bonfire, caught all the married couples off guard, and husbands found themselves obligated to invent slow dancing with their wives.

After that, dancing was officially out of control.

Fast forward 20 years when Kevin Bacon, before he became famous, moved to a small midwestern town and discovered that dancing was deemed illegal by actor John Lithgow, who was moonlighting as reverend in that town.

But kudos to Lithgow for being such a stellar figure in history for having the decency to ban dancing; it’s just a shame they had to burn him at the stake where the dancing continued.

That’s the thing about history, folks; if you don’t somewhat study it while watching 80s movies, you’re doomed to spend a “Weekend at Bernie’s 2.”

So that’s the two biggest and bloodiest milestones in the history of dance, and we’ve been suffering from it ever since as it’s here to stay. I mean, dancing even survived disco…disco!

Going forward in a world where dancing, the cockroach of artistic expression, the best I can tell those folks who find dancing visually repulsive like me is, well, at least you have an ally.

With that, I hope you continue to fight the system, sit at weddings with your arms crossed against your chest when they do the Electric Slide and begrudgingly fulfill your spousal obligation to slow dance … then return to your seat before they trap you with the Chicken Dance.

Trust me, the government and the aliens watching will thank you.

According to Hofmann is written by staff reporter Mark Hofmann of Rostraver Township. His books, “Good Mourning! A Guide to Biting the Big One … and Dying, Too” and “Stupid Brain,” are available on Amazon.com.