According to Hofmann: Cat shave fever
Growing up, my brother and I wanted a cat.
We’ve had dogs all our lives — well, one dog for all our young lives at that point, to be exact — but the only interaction we had with cats was through relatives and television, and it’s hard to pet a cat on television.
One day, a stray cat made its way to our home; my dad didn’t like cats and didn’t want it inside, so the cat stayed outside, nestled in a little alcove of our house. My brother, mother and I fed the cat (much to my dad’s disapproval), and we, sort of, had a cat.
One day, my brother and I decided the cat smelled bad so we decided to give it a bath. Two lessons were learned on that day. First, my brother and I learned that cats really, really don’t like getting baths, and you’re not supposed to do it unless you want to display fresh scratch scars on your hands and arms. The second lesson was the cat’s. It learned it would rather be a stray and ran away from its newfound home.
I was reminded of that lesson when I read a story from KentOnline about a rash of shaved-cat attacks in the town of Medway in Southeast England.
Now, I know what you’re thinking because I thought the same thing, which was who would be so cruel to attack a shaved cat. Like those poor, hairless things don’t have enough problems when the weather starts getting colder.
Then I read on and found out that the attacks are the actual shaving of the cats.
From what I’ve read, it’s not like the cats are being totally shaved so it looks like the town of Medway and surrounding areas aren’t being overrun with hairless cats like some weird alien invasion.
The attacker, it seems, is only shaving a patch of hair from the cats.
Wait…what?
So many questions just started piling up at me that it started hurting my brain.
Why do this in the first place? Why just shave one square or patch from the cat? Is that a way to brand the cat like a calling card? Why do this in the first place? Is this person an inspiring pet groomer testing their skills whenever the opportunity arrives? Why do this? Is this a goofy public art project? Why?
Of course, the biggest question — other than asking “why” again — is if the shaver is keeping the shaved hair or disposing it?
It may not seem like that important of a question on the surface, but I think it’s best to find that out because it could be the difference between a prankster and a mad scientist.
See, a prankster would shave and run and leave the evidence behind; a budding mad scientist would keep the fur, place it in a container only to take it out at home where they’re assembling their own cat like Dr. Frankenstein or genetically creating hybrid animals like Dr. Moreau.
The article pointed out that the shavings took place just before Christmas, so this shaver has been doing it for a while unless they lost the unfathomable thrill of shaving bald spots on cats, and the perpetrator has been taken over by a copycat (sorry, I couldn’t help myself).
The article went on to say that the cat owners of Medway and surrounding towns should be as vigilant as possible and take precautionary steps like purchasing security cameras, keeping an eye on their cats when they’re let out, keeping them as indoor cats until the culprit is caught, and warn their cats of the danger of catnip, which is a gateway herb to the bad part of town where anyone with electric shears can be lying in wait.
As for this criminal mastermind, many fear they may not be caught and while the reasons and motives remain baffling to me, I do know a sure-fire way to nab the suspect.
See if they have scratches on their hands or arms. Just like getting a bath, if a cat doesn’t want to be shaved, it’ll make it known … trust me.
According to Hofmann is written by staff reporter Mark Hofmann of Rostraver Township. His books, “Good Mourning! A Guide to Biting the Big One…and Dying, Too” and “Stupid Brain,” are available on Amazon.com.