Feb 13, 2025 4 min read

Q. I have a serious question. I’ve been with my girlfriend for a little over 6 months. She just told me she was sexually abused when she was 10. At first, I was shocked. I’ve never known anyone who lived through something like that, although I know it can happen. I am so glad she told me. We’ve not had sex yet, although we’ve been physical with each other. I want to be careful and honor her trust. I know I can trust you, in fact I talked with my mom, and she said I should talk with you. Thanks in advance for your help. – 19-year-old

Mary Jo’s Response: Although your question is about a difficult topic – abuse – it is positive in many ways. At 19, you realize sexuality is not the only part of a relationship. Your words are mature and other-directed (by that I mean, you are thinking of your girlfriend unselfishly). You’ve spoken to your mom and asked for her advice. You speak of honoring the trust of your girlfriend, which is exactly what you should do. Despite your question’s subject, your words are affirming and respectful.

You’re absolutely right – when your girlfriend shared her history with you, she demonstrated her trust. You are also right to seek guidance. Being respectful of a partner is the foundation to any healthy relationship; becoming intimate with an abuse survivor requires extra sensitivity and care.

I’ve had the honor of serving young sexual abuse survivors for decades. Child sexual abuse is difficult to discuss, but I believe it is important to educate adults about the problem. To help, I became a Darkness to Light authorized Stewards of Children facilitator. Stewards of Children is a national educational program for adults to help increase awareness of the signs of child sexual abuse and prevent its occurrence. I also wrote a book to educate children called “Inside Out: Your Body is Amazing Inside and Out and Belongs ONLY to You.” My goal is to help children develop positive body image and teach them to reach out to trusted adults.

The key gift I believe we need to give all young people is validation of their worth. When a child is harmed sexually, it is easy for them to slip into shame. Abusers are skilled at hurting with words as well as actions. My role is to reinforce that what happened to them was NOT their fault.

The other important message I give to survivors is that their sexuality and their bodies are their own. Let me explain. When I work with an 8-year-old, for example, I make sure their parent/foster parent brings them to me again at puberty. I want to validate their growth into a sexual person – not because I think they should be having sex, but because I want to prepare them for the new emotion hormones bring at puberty. As they mature, the reality that this trauma remains can color their approach to relationships. It’s sometimes difficult for survivors to form healthy relationships – they may not feel they are worthy of a loving, caring partner.

As a partner, your role is respectful validation of your girlfriend’s worth. Listen to hear her, hold space with her if she is troubled. You are not her counselor; I suggest she see a therapist if she hasn’t already. Couples counseling may also be a choice.

I’ve found most couples do not talk about sex enough. Having direct, honest, and loving conversations about sexuality is key. Talk about consent. Assure her that your relationship will only include what she likes when she is ready. Talk about boundaries. Ask gently about parts of sex that may feel better or worse for her. Your job is to be there, to hear her, and to respond.

I firmly believe a healthy relationship involves positive feelings for both people. You are a person of great worth – I know you will be there for her and for yourself.

Have a question? Send it to Dr. Mary Jo Podgurski’s email podmj@healthyteens.com.