The burger wars have been around as long as every other war that has plagued this planet and is just as fierce.

They’ve tried, tried again, tried some more and tried one more time to get our attention and our money by rolling out different gimmicks over the years.

For example, McDonalds had that McD.L.T. burger that you had to make yourself by flipping two sides of a container together, joining the hot side and cold side of the burger prior to consumption. They say it was to have the lettuce remain crisp and the meat stay juicy when you eat it, but I think it was because there was a burger-assembler strike, so they wanted the customer to assemble it themselves.

That’s a little-known fact Mr. Ronald McDonald doesn’t want out…that and shamrock shakes are actually made from leprechaun spit, but I’m saving that expose for my St. Patty’s Day column. Don’t ask about the McRib; you don’t want to know. Just do what I do and keep telling yourself it’s delicious.

Now it seems that Burger King is asking their customers in select markets to order a meal based on however they’re feeling at the moment, which I imagine the exchange would go something like this…

CUSTOMER: I want a Whopper meal with everything on it.

CASHIER: Okay, a Whopper meal. And how are you feeling today?

CUSTOMER: Uh…hungry. That’s why I’m here.

CASHIER: No. You see, we’re basing your order on how you feel emotionally.

CUSTOMER: Well, now I’m hangry.

And there’s plenty to be hungry/angry about because with these “Real Meals,” you have a variety of options of emotions on which to base your order; however, all you receive is a different colored box that has symbols on them like they’re members of the Justice League. You still get whatever crap you ordered in the box.

So…what’s the point?

Well, if I must know, the point is to bring attention to mental health issues during Mental Health Awareness Month, of which I agree is a good cause to raise awareness. But I can’t see why the cashiers can’t just hand over the meal and say, “By the way, it’s Mental Health Awareness Month. Consider yourself aware.”

That way, you avoid the broadcasting of people’s emotions via lunch box.

The Real Meal emotion options are Blue Meal, PO’d Meal, Salty Meal (aren’t they all?), YAAAS (meaning manic excitement!!!) and the DGAF (stands for Don’t Give A F—ahem—[Darn]) Meal.

Of course, now high-school-aged cashiers have to also be a psychiatrist for their minimum-wage job.

CASHIER: So, how do you feel today?

CUSTOMER: Overall, I have anxiety manifesting from my perceived shortcomings in life and how I haven’t lived up to the prescribed potential I was lead to believe I had since childhood even though society has deemed me a successful person.

CASHIER: …sooooo that would be a Blue Meal? You want that supersized?

Or at least put some effort into the gimmick. I think the meals themselves should match your emotions to really drive-thru the point home.

Some examples include...

Anger Meal: Stuff is missing from the burger and food items aren’t included (turns out I’ve ordered the Anger Meal at different fast-food joints throughout the years without even realizing it).

Indecisive Meal: Nothing as you remain in line, looking at the menu.

Confusion Meal: Completely different food in name, taste, texture and state of matter than what you’ve ordered.

Whatever Meal: Just some ketchup packets, half a bun and ice in a box.

If they can’t match your mood with food, the fast-food joint should at least attempt to help alleviate your emotion through the food they serve.

Those include...

Discouraged Meal: Three different kinds of energy drinks and jalapeno poppers.

Hopeless Meal: A burger with a coupon for a better burger in the near future.

Envy Meal: The meal the person ahead of you in line ordered.

Disgust Meal: Food from a higher-quality restaurant.

Last, but not least, The Blissful-Ignorance Meal: the McRib…recipe included.

Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

According to Hofmann is written by staff reporter Mark Hofmann of Rostraver Township. His book, “Stupid Brain,” is available on

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