Some say life imitates art, and many say famed impersonator Rich Little could imitate anyone famous, meaning Rich Little’s living is made by him performing an art that imitates life of artists. I don’t know why I wrote that. It sounded way better in my head and sounded like it somewhat pertains to a story I read about a woman in the UK wanting to pay someone to make her decisions for her.
The woman was listed as anonymous, which was a good decision on her part, and maybe the only good decision she has made up to that point.
In the span of a year, she lost money by trusting a friend, she was stranded penniless in a foreign country, was mugged and was involved in a toxic relationship, all though a series of her own decisions.
So she decided (again, I assume she decided on her own, so I’m sure it’s destined to fail) to pay someone $2,600 to make decisions for her for a month while she gets her life back on track.
“Hiya, bit of a weird one I know but basically, I feel like I need someone to make my decisions for me. I’ve had a really rubbish year and would love for someone to take control of my life think of it a bit like a real life Bandersnatch,” her post reads, referencing the Netflix/”Black Mirror” movie “Bandersnatch” that allows the viewer to make decisions for the characters in the movie.
I watched “Bandersnatch” and, spoiler alert, it doesn’t end well over and over again. Check it out and see what I mean.
Anyway, the woman’s ad was placed on a website for hiring professionals, but the type of professional she’s looking for didn’t seem that professional at all.
“I’ve always been quite spiritual so I’m looking for someone like a clairvoyant or spiritual guide that I can really connect with, who can help me make the right decisions,” she states in the ad.
Yep. I’m going to venture to say that it was her decision and her decision alone to find a clairvoyant as the person to control aspects of her life for a month.
Here’s how a clairvoyant begins their reply to that ad: “Hi, I knew I was going to write this to you before I saw your ad…”; this is how they’ll end their reply: “...I see someone writing a humor column about this.”
Here’s my public pitch to this lady:
“Dear Lady, I can help you make two crucial decisions to get your life back on track. First, don’t go online announcing you’ll pay someone to make decisions for you and second, don’t look for someone with the sixth sense, just someone with common sense. Those two are free; after that, I charge $20 per decision.”
Maybe I’m cynical, but she’s just setting herself up to be taken advantage of because you know the person she ends up hiring will tell her the first thing she needs to do is give them a substantial raise for their services.
Of course, a raise doesn’t seem that unreasonable once I read more of the job description.
“The type of decisions I’d need help with include who I should go on a Tinder date with (I seem to have terrible taste in men) and what I should spend my savings on, amongst other things. Basically, I’d like the person to be on-call so they can help me whenever and with whatever I need. I text a lot so they should be available to message me frequently and very quick to respond,” her ad states.
While I’m no clairvoyant, I see the majority of text-message replies she’ll receive will be “No,” “Don’t do that,” “Are you nuts?” and “I need a raise.”
Although it will likely end up as a tragedy, the whole thing does sound like a summer romantic comedy with the gal unlucky in life and love hiring a guy who cons his way into a job for easy money and a chance to control someone’s life like a video game, but after the two buttheads butt heads, they fall in love and find out having each other was the only thing they needed.
However, I seriously think a greater type of intervention needs to take place as the woman even states in the ad that she’s “obviously completely incapable” of making the right choices by herself.
I’ve decided the only way to help is to take my rom-com movie pitch and actually make art imitate life and make that happy movie ending really happen, and I also believe the only man who can make that happen is, of course, Rich Little.
You’re welcome, lady. That’ll be $20.
According to Hofmann is written by staff reporter Mark Hofmann of Rostraver Township. His book, “Stupid Brain,” is available for purchase on Amazon.com.