There are many, many things in this world that require a “rethink button” to make you reflect and on the insanely stupid ideas that go through one’s mind ... things like like chewing on aluminum foil, dancing with a grizzly bear and the latest example, offering nude workouts at your gym.
I was recently forwarded a press release about a New York City gym owned by a trainer-to-the-stars, offering naked fitness sessions in the beginning of the New Year … or as they put it, the “Nude Year”.
My only hope (other than water fountains suddenly spouting beer) is the folks at that gym didn’t decide to start this service only because of the wordplay on New Year. Otherwise, it will be the worst public relations nightmare since Victoria Secret promoted their St. Paddy’s Day sale.
The press release promoted the gym’s brightly lit atmosphere and state-of-the art exercise equipment.
Regarding the equipment, I have to ask how much bleach are they going to use for the hose down after each use — that’s if the participants manage to get nothing caught in the exercise machines?
“OK, now to work on your quads and thighs,” the trainer would say. “So take off all your clothes and position yourself here on The Mangler. I know it sounds scary, but just be aware of all the interlocking metal parts and you should be fine.”
As for it being a well-lit facility, you have to consider why people decide to work out after the holidays in the first place, and think twice and two more times after that about having bright lights showing everything from your spare tire to your fully-loaded hatchback, and I’m not talking about vehicles … unless this column is being picked up by an auto magazine, then that’s exactly what I’m talking about.
The release states that the gym plans to host three of those sessions a week in January — the first for men, second for women and the third for a mix of men and women. That means, the first one will be attended by nobody, the second session will be attended by nobody and the third session will be attended by only men.
Also, after two solid months of accusations in the news of sexual misconduct and inappropriateness, one innocent mishap or comment while spotting someone doing sit ups would surely invite a multi-million dollar lawsuit.
If a list of horrific consequences keeps scrolling through your mind on this subject, then I have to add that the press release only piles it on by providing a list on the benefits of working out in the nude.
They say your clothes aid in reabsorbing toxins that you sweat out of your skin, which, I admit, is disgusting. Of course, after doing a series of nude jumping jacks, that toxin-laced sweat flies off your body and onto other nude participants in the room — AKA Sweatin’ to the Oilies. So yeah, that’s much more sanitary.
Another benefit, they say, is a release of endorphins when there’s “sunlight on exposed skin”, which means this is going to be done around open windows where people can see what’s going on. I’m no fitness expert, but I am a degenerate who knows the difference between a workout and a peepshow.
They also claim that working out in the nude means less laundry. I can get behind that idea. So with that in mind, and the possibility of seeing some of my favorite female celebs doing nude lunges and squat jumps, I asked my wife if she wanted to take a special holiday trip to spend the Nude Year in Nude York.
She was hesitant with a side of dreaded disgust until I mentioned The Mangler, then she was all on board for me to go.
Maybe I should have hit the rethink button on that one.
According to Hofmann is written by staff reporter Mark Hofmann of Belle Vernon. Watch Mark’s video series at heraldstandard.com and YouTube. Like and follow him on Facebook and Twitter.