A college professor of mine once told our class, “There’s money out there for you to take.”
It was such an awe-inspiring thing to hear, I actually stood up, gave a resounding “Whoo-hoo!” and high-fived everyone as I made my way out of the lecture hall to chase after that said money, but soon gave up on that and started chasing some squirrels on campus instead.
One of my classmates later informed me that I ran out of the class before the professor could finish his speech, which went in part, “There’s money out there for you to take. Of course, you’ll never see it because you decided to major in writing and Lithuanian lesbian folk film studies.”
Turns out the guy was right on many levels, but I’ve always wondered where is all that money he said was out there and where does that money go since it’s not coming to me.
I recently found the answers to those questions when I saw an article boasting that a chef at the Mandalay Bay Casino in Las Vegas came up with the world’s most expensive burger, selling at a mere $5,000.
Ah, that’s where the money goes, I thought, but I still needed to know why and how and what and — wait…is that a squirrel running outside my office window?
Anyway, before I get into what makes that $5,000 burger truly special, I decided to look up a list of the most expensive burgers that are available to find some common themes.
Some examples I found were the Grand Burger ($100) consisting of custom-ground filet mignon with caviar, merlot sauce and served with a bottle of Moet Imperial Champagne; Le Burger Extravagant ($295) is a wagyu beef patty infused with 10-herb white truffle butter and seasoned with a Salish alderwood-smoked sea salt, topped off with 18-month-aged cheddar, shaved black truffles and a fried quail egg, served on a roll that’s been spread with white truffle butter along with kaluga caviar and creme fraiche and speared with a diamond-encrusted toothpick; Le Burger Brasserie’s 777 ($777) is a burger consisting of a Kobe beef patty, topped with pancetta, goat cheese, seared foie gras, arugula, Maine lobster and 100-year-aged balsamic vinegar and served with a bottle of Dom Perignon rosé champagne.
And that brings us back to the current most expensive burger; it’s is made up of a wagyu beef patty topped with foie gras, truffles and all that other crap previously mentioned and served with a bottle of 1995 Chateau Petrus, which is one of the world’s most prized wines according to the editors at “Winos R Us Monthly,” valued at $3,600, bringing to total value of the “burger” to $5,000.
Just like my professor’s brave words, the most-expensive-burger wars have inspired me to throw my hat in the ring, even though I don’t have access to wagyu beef, truffles, caviar or foie gras — whatever that is — or a hat…or a ring in which to throw it.
Still, I’m dedicated to go above and beyond to make a burger worth not a measly $5,000, $10,000 or even $100,000, but worth millions of dollars.
I named it The Burger in the Rolls Burger.
I start with two all-beef patties from the packages of ground meat from the top shelf of my local grocery store, infuse those patties with butter instead of my usual go-to of margarine and infuse that butter with seasonings that the supermarket sells in the fancy glass containers. The beef patties are topped with slices of cheddar, Swiss and pepper jack cheese (again, all top-shelf stuff), stacked with black-label bacon and potato chips, but not just any potato chips as it has to be Cape Cod Aged White Cheddar and Sour Cream chips because I’m fancy like that. Then spread on a mixture of mayo, barbeque sauce, honey mustard and relish as well as the top-shelf buns that have words on the package like “artisan” and “whole grain” and “no shards of glass.”
As a finishing touch, the burger is served to the customer inside a Rolls-Royce Sweptail automobile valued at $13 million and is included with the purchase of the burger.
There you have it! The Burger in the Rolls Burger, the most expensive burger ever created, valued at $13,000,016.39. I’m sure all those executive chefs that studied culinary arts in France are jealous to be bested by a guy who went to community college and considers the fluffernutter a delicacy.
Truth be told, the burger would have been $30 more if I could have included my original idea of sautéed squirrel meat, but much like the money that is out there, wild squirrels are something that I’m still chasing.
According to Hofmann is written by staff reporter Mark Hofmann of Rostraver Township. He hosts the “Locally Yours” radio show on WMBS 590 AM every Friday. His book, “Stupid Brain,” is available on Amazon.com.