I’m a bit of an entrepreneur (the bit I am is the “trep” part) and with the primary election happening this week, the “trep” part of my brain has taken notice of a much-needed service both locally and nationwide.
I want to have my own company that deals with the phenomenon that has inconvenienced communities twice a year. Of course, I’m talking about political signs and political ads.
It’s bad enough that we have to be barraged every day leading up to the election with signs and commercial ads on the TV, radio, Internet, newspaper, stalls in public bathrooms, walls in private bathrooms, button pins, neck tattoos, people screaming candidates names in the street after they doused themselves in kerosene and subliminal messages and psychic suggestions that pop up in our dreams...or are those last two just me? If so, disregard that, and I’m not crazy. I have a laminated card from a hospital that says so.
But the constant signs and slogans and campaign message approvals are even worse when they continue after the election.
That’s where I had my idea for a new company. Pappy O’Hofmann’s Election Hangover Busters LLC, is what I’ll call it.
I already wrote the script for the commercial.
Picture this: We open on images of B-roll stills of candidate signs and for reasons that I haven’t fully fleshed out, stock photos of Gallagher smashing watermelons while the song, “Touch Me” by Private Life is heard.
Now picture me walking in the middle of this screen as I’m wearing a crisp Boss Hogg “Dukes of Hazard” white suit and 60-gallon cowboy hat and brandishing a smoldering Churchill-size cigar between my lips.
“Hey there, Mr. and Mrs. Candidate,” I say in my best Foghorn Leghorn voice. “This here election has come and gone, and you’ve gone and posted your signs all over the town, by the roads, in people’s yards and you even spray painted your name on farm animals to get a vote!
“Looky here! What in tarnation are you going to do with all them signs and how in tarnation are you gonna get rid of them!?
“You can’t count on your supporters to get them all; they were in it just for some of them government kickbacks that only you as the elected dog catcher can give. You can’t hope that good-old mother nature will swoop them up in a tornado or even wait for dang-old father time because the signs have a half life of 927 years — that’s 491 terms in dog-catcher years!
“That’s where I, Pappy O’Hofmann, and my Election Hangover Busters and my LLC, have the post-election elixir to help with what ails you and the community at large!
“Me and my team and I will head out after election day and remove all your signs — every one of them and quickly burn them in a funeral-home crematorium so any trace of your failed candidacy would only just be a scarred memory for the rest of your adult life.
“What’s that? You say you’re afraid that your candidate commercials will keep playing on TV and the radio after Tuesday?
“Have no fear because I’ll personally go to any station and use good-old mafia-intimidation tactics to make sure you don’t approve of that message anymore.
“Heh-heh. I made a funny.
“What’s that? Speak up, son! You say you won?
“Well shucks! Congratulations and salutations and celebrations! Pappy O’Hofmann’s Election Hangover Busters LLC will personally place thank you signs on all of your posters, let them sit for an hour and them burn them where they stand. People don’t like a braggart and neither do we, Mr. Dog-Catcher Elect!”
I think it will be a lucrative enterprise, and I’m not going to stop there. If one day you wake up and you suddenly find yourself free of dreaming about any and all candidate ads, thank none other than Pappy O’Hofmann and his LLC.
According to Hofmann is written by staff reporter Mark Hofmann of Rostraver Township. His book, “Stupid Brain,” is available on Amazon.com.