A burger chain in Australia has released something of pure evil upon the world that has gone viral on social media, and it’s not a soaking-wet Koala Bear crashing a child’s birthday party. It’s a vegan burger!
The Australian burger-chain Milky Lane shared a photo of this thing on its Facebook page, and people have been posting comments like “It looks too good to be a vegan burger!” and “It looks like an amazing burger!” and “I don’t know how I got to this page because I was trying to find my grandson’s birthday photos control-alt-delete, control-alt-delete.”
First, shame on people for believing something online looks so good it has to be true. Even the confused grandparent trying to find birthday party photos wasn’t fooled.
Everything online looks too good to be true — simple as that — just ask my dormant online dating page with an image of Brad Pitt from “Legends of the Fall” as my profile photo. I told the ladies that it was taken when I worked as a ranch hand in Montana. The only girls who believed it were vegans, so that was a deal breaker because the date was over the moment I took them to dinner.
So what’s in this burger, you wonder? Well, you start with a vegan patty, but they don’t say in the article what’s in a vegan patty. I would guess it’s a processed combination of beans, spices and play dough.
These next two ingredients, however, are the real heartbreakers: vegan “mac and cheese” and vegan “bacon.”
You can’t have vegan “mac and cheese” because vegans do not eat anything from an animal, and you need milk to make cheese that goes with the pasta that’s made with eggs.
What do they do as a substitute? Do they cut up bamboo shoots and douse them with decaying sea foam?
Vegan “mac and cheese” is an abomination, but nowhere as close to appalling as vegan “bacon.”
I never tried vegan “bacon,” and I don’t need to because I once mistakenly ate a piece of turkey “bacon” and thought I slipped into another dimension while was sleeping and awoke to a world where no pork products existed.
I remembered hearing people raving about turkey “bacon,” saying, “Mmmm. turkey bacon is the best! I can’t even tell the difference! And guess what? I just met a ranch hand online who looks like Brad Pitt!”
The reviews, however, were nothing but positive with Australians posting comments like, “This is the best burger ever!” and “It doesn’t even taste like its vegan!” and “Nope, this isn’t Timmy’s birthday party page either control-alt-delete...”
I love the Australian people, but I’m warning you to not believe their restaurant reviews because you can’t trust their sense of taste.
To know why, you must be educated on Australian culture.
Years ago, my cousin married a guy from Australia, and he opened my world to many glorious things from the land down under like Fosters beer, Paul Hogan movies (both of which were well established in America at that point, but I thought I’d humor him) and boxing with kangaroos. However, one Aussie tradition that gave me a kick in the mouth harder than the kangaroo was Vegemite.
For those unfamiliar with Vegemite, it’s this thick paste of yeast extract that can double as a substitute for roof spackle.
To many Americans, it tastes totally awful and unreal.
After the first time I tried it, I was leaning over a sink, scrubbing my tongue with a rusty Brillo pad and saying, “Why would someone do this? Why would they do this?”
When I regained consciousness, I asked my cousin’s husband why hadn’t the Vegemite company gone out of business for selling what was essentially lizard snot.
He said Australian children were raised on Vegemite, that mothers dipped pacifiers in Vegemite and gave it to babies to suckle while they weren’t ingesting Fosters beer from their baby bottles. That’s why Vegemite is basically as widely accepted there as peanut butter is here.
And that, my friends, is why we cannot be fooled by how a vegan burger looks online, and we certainly can’t be fooled by what some outback bloke or shelia says about a vegan burger when their taste buds have been hijacked with pirate dung since they were in their highchairs.
Trust me. Would a guy who looks like Brad Pitt online lie to you?
According to Hofmann is written by staff reporter Mark Hofmann of Rostraver Township. He hosts the “Locally Yours” radio show on WMBS 590 AM every Friday. His book, “Stupid Brain,” is available on Amazon.com.