Very rarely does a news story make me spit out water or coffee, but when I heard they were going to remake the original “Home Alone,” I didn’t have any water or coffee or even a glass of room-temperature Merlot to spit out, so I had to pull my car over to a nearby pond, slurp up its stagnant water only to spit out on some confused and terrified frogs.
I’m just kidding. What I really did was slap both of my palms to my cheeks and screamed like I was feeling aftershave on my skin for the first time.
I wouldn’t go as far to say I love the original 1990 “Home Alone,” but I can say I once loved it, but now I like it as a friend, and I’m not just saying that to let it down easily from our mutual breakup as I genuinely enjoy it whenever I see it on TV once or twice a year.
Of course, now hearing that “Home Alone” is going to be remade because everything else is being remade and it would have felt left out, it’s like my old “Home Alone” is getting extensive plastic surgery and will be back on the dating scene, leaving me with nothing but scorn and jealousy.
While I’m sure those behind this remake that nobody asked for are in no way producing it to cash in on nostalgia by cobbling together the same movie without any forethought or respect to the original property, I must say it’s pretty stupid to remake this movie 30 years after the original.
The premise involves a young Kevin McCallister, who is left home alone when his large family rushes out for a Christmas get-away vacation in France after sleeping in. He then believes he wished away his family and is living up the life of a single bachelor until two bumbling burglars attempt to break into the house where booby-trap mayhem ensues.
A storm disables the phone lines for a few of days, so there’s no way for the McCallister family to call Kevin or even contact the neighbors to check up on him and the local police department doesn’t believe the mother and only take a mediocre approach to look for Kevin.
While that seems kind of legitimate for 1990, we in present day have landlines, cell phones, home security monitors, doorbell cameras, Internet, broadband, mobile data, WiFi, social media, GPS chips implanted inside children’s necks and cell phones owned and operated by everyone from 90-year-old mountain men to babies still in the womb and piggybacking off their parents’ family plan.
What I’m trying to say is it would take 70 minutes worth of movie to show why the parents can’t get a hold of Kevin or anyone on their block.
For the movie to be legit, and I know this is total blasphemy this day and age, but why not forget about the remake and do a sequel where the original Kevin is all grown up and has started his own home security business, but has become a heavy drinker due to nightmares of having to deal with the criminal element at such a young age, and his third DUI lands him on house arrest.
His wife, disgusted by what he has become, leaves him and takes the kids, so now he’s home alone...again!
Unlike the first two movies, Kevin loathes being home alone during the holidays, but is soon visited by the Ghost of Christmas Past as the burglars Harry and Marv have returned to track him down for sweet revenge. He rediscovers his purpose in life, and booby-trap mayhem ensues.
Of course, the people who grew up on “Home Alone” are now older and have shifted their preferences from holiday antics in movies to gory torture horror films like “Saw,” “Hostel” and “Hotel Transylvania 3: Summer Vacation.”
That being said, they need to make the burglars truly psychotic, killing everyone in their way to get to Kevin, and Kevin just needs to snap after his mental breakdown and set booby-traps intended to mutilate and kill.
I’m not a movie expert by any stretch of the imagination or brag to have a fully functional brain, but I know for an undeniable fact that my idea will entice viewers to check out a new “Home Alone” movie.
So there, Hollywood, I provided something for you to take and make your own. If you like it, I have an idea for a new “Honey I Shrunk the Kids” sequel for those who loved “A Star is Born” that will really rock your world.
According to Hofmann is written by staff reporter Mark Hofmann of Rostraver Township. He hosts the “Locally Yours” radio show on WMBS 590 AM every Friday. His book, “Stupid Brain,” is available on Amazon.com.