Christmas season brings many emotions
By the time this column hits the news stands, there will be just six days until Christmas. Just typing that filled me with a multitude of emotions: I am panicked because I need to finish my holiday shopping, I am stressed because there is a lot of work to be done at the Messenger before I can enjoy the holidays, and I am excited about attending several upcoming Christmas events — and also about watching my son Bryson’s reaction when he finally gets to open his presents.
But those aren’t the only emotions I am feeling right now this holiday season. There are several other emotions that are impacting me that I would like to spend a little more time talking about.
First, I am sad because this will be the third Christmas without my father. It has at times felt like his passing happened just yesterday while on other occasions it feels like forever since I was able to speak to him. After enduring such a terribly difficult time in 2012 with one medical issue after another, he was called home to be with the Lord just a few days after Christmas. And as heartbreaking as it was to have to say goodbye to him – he was, after all, my hero, my mentor and my all-time biggest role model – it was also a relief to know that he was no longer suffering.
And despite the sadness of losing him, I will always cherish the special moments that we were able to share during his final months: He got to hold my son, he got to participate in his baptism, he got to share one more Christmas with his family and one more wedding anniversary with Mom, and he got to hear his family members tell him how much we love him.
So, yes, there is sadness in my heart. But there is also awe and amazement as I think about everything he had to endure during that year, and how – despite his hardships – he never wavered in his faith and he never gave up fighting. All the way to the very end, he continued to teach me how to be strong, courageous and faithful to God. And even as the years go by, he still continues to teach me those things.
Another emotion I’m feeling right now is frustration, because my wife and I recently found out that our latest fertility procedure was not successful. We have been trying for nearly 15 years now to raise our own family, and we have spent much time and finances in getting the procedures done to fulfill our dream.
We have undergone quite a few procedures over the years, and only one of them has worked. And it is baffling because there are no explanations as to why we haven’t been able to have a second child; our test results show that everything is fine, and yet the doctors cannot give us any kind of explanation as to why we’re having such difficulty conceiving again. We have been hoping and praying to give Bryson a sibling to grow up with, but with every failed procedure we wonder if that is going to happen.
But the more I think about that emotion of frustration, the more I become overcome with the most important emotions of all: Gratefulness and happiness. Because I realize that I have much to be thankful for and happy about. Rather than focusing on the negative feelings that come with the failed procedures, I have channeled that into something much, much better.
I am eternally grateful for my wife Crystal, who has not only blessed me with her heart and love for the past quarter-century but also made me a better person in every way imaginable. My life was a huge mess before I met her, and even though it took her a while to get me to change my ways for the better, she has succeeded.
She is an amazing woman who works tirelessly in her capacities as a career woman, a wife and a mother. She is the most honest and decent person I have ever met, a kind soul who would give everything she had to help another person out. She raises her three children – that would be our son Bryson, our dog Lexi and of course, me – with such love and conviction that I wonder just how big her heart can be inside her body, because it is always filled with love for her family. And in addition to being an awesome wife and “Super Mom,” I believe she is also a saint, because she has had to put up with my nonsense for over 25 years.
In short, she is everything I could have asked for in a wife and partner for life; she is my soul mate, my best friend, my rock and the best thing that ever happened to me. And I am forever grateful that God has blessed me with her.
But out of all her awesome attributes, the biggest reason that I love her so much is because on October 8, 2012 she changed our lives forever when she brought our son into the world. Earlier I said I was frustrated because only one of those many fertility procedures was successful. But the reality is, the one that DID work turned out to be our biggest, greatest bundle of joy. And I simply, absolutely cannot be frustrated about that.
Ever since I held Bryson in my arms for the very first time, every day since that I have gotten to experience the joys of fatherhood has been more incredible than the day before. And now that he is a little over three years old, he has been our pride and joy. It has been wonderful to watch him grow, develop his own personality, learn more and more things on his own, enjoy his laughter and smiles, hold him in our arms while he sleeps, and teach him things and instill values that we’re passing onto him from our parents.
Most importantly, he is healthy, he is happy, he is developing perfectly and he knows that his mommy and daddy love him unconditionally. And it warms our hearts knowing that he feels the same way about us.
(Make no mistake, he is ornery and he likes to push our buttons. I like to say that he is an angel with devilish tendencies, and it makes my heart glad when my Mom says that I was the exact same way when I was his age.)
So while it would be easy for us to continue to be frustrated that we’ve had so many fertility procedures that did not work, we have decided to be grateful for, and happy about, the one that DID work. And all we can do is put our trust in God and what he has planned for us. Maybe we will be blessed with more children in the future. Or maybe God has chosen for us to have only one. We do not know right now, we can only have faith.
But what we DO know is this: If Bryson is our only child, then we are forever thankful that we’ve been blessed with him, and that we will spend the rest of our lives doing everything we can to show him – and God – just how grateful we are for him.