Facing my feelings
I’ve been in a rut.
Some days aren’t as bad as others, but lately I’ve been functioning on auto-pilot, just getting through the days. I am unmotivated and lacking passion, which is what’s always fueled me. More so, I’m frustrated because I don’t want to feel this way, but the change in weather always correlates with a change in my demeanor.
I know every year these feelings will hit me, but I can never prepare for them. A few weeks ago, I felt the annual fatigue creeping up, but no matter what I did to try to subdue it, it kept growing.
This year, just like every year before, it’s the start of fall, and I am glum.
This year, there is one difference, though: I am admitting it.
In the past, I’ve forced myself to bury or disregard my annual sadness. I’ve beaten myself up for feeling this way. I’ve told myself to suck it up. I’ve tried to bully myself out of it. But now, rather than making myself feel bad for being a human with human emotions, I’m trying to find a balance between feeling this way and still being productive when I need to.
Some days, I do the bare minimum: I go to work and give it my all, then go home and take a nap. Other days, when I feel up to it, I pursue my hobbies or exercise. I’m not letting my seasonal slump keep me from accomplishing my responsibilities, but I’m also not forcing myself to be productive all the time outside of work.
As I grow to accept this part of myself, I’m learning why I always attempted to bury these feelings: No one wants to feel weak and sometimes emotions make us feel powerless.
I used to think feeling this way meant I was too sensitive or lazy, but I’m neither. Simply, changes in the seasons really affect me. Like a lot of other people, when the weather gets chillier, I get a little sad.
And that’s okay.
Looking back on my life so far, I’m reminded just how powerful and volatile emotions can be and what little control we have over them.
The harder we try to control them, the stronger they get. I used to let that lack of control ruin my day. I tried so hard to deny myself the right to feel bad sometimes. At face value, I looked strong and put-together, but it cost me. You can’t bury everything and be okay. I wasn’t kind to myself; therefore, I was unhappy more often than I am now. I’m so grateful for learning to let my emotions breathe. They don’t feel as overwhelming anymore.
Everyone has rough patches. Everyone feels the way I’m feeling sometimes. And realizing that is much more rewarding than appearing to be invincible all the time. I know I’m not alone in struggling with this, and I hope in sharing what I’m going through, I can help you, too.
This rut will pass. Acknowledging that it’s there has already made me feel better.