Feb 20, 2025 4 min read

Q. My mom says I’m too young to have a boyfriend. But I really like someone and he likes me. I’m not stupid. I know I’m too young for some things, like sex. But I’m not too young to have a boyfriend if all we do is hang out at school. My mom said to ask you. Please do me a solid and say it’s okay! -12-year-old

Mary Jo’s Response: I’m so glad you’re talking with your mom. Do me a solid and please keep talking with her as you mature! Your mom loves you and has your best interests at heart. My answer depends on what you mean by having a boyfriend. I always ask young people what they mean when they say things, because I’m too old to understand your culture unless you teach me. For example, I wouldn’t have said “do me a solid,” nor did I think someone your age would say it, but you using those words proves my point. Culture – who we are and how we live – is different for each of us. We come from different families and friend groups, we pray in different ways and enjoy different holiday traditions. Your culture and mine are different so bear with me.

Please let me ask you some questions to help you think. What does it mean to you to have a boyfriend? Does having a boyfriend mean you no longer hang out with your friends? Friendships at 12 are important. Does having a boyfriend mean you are in a position where you feel you need to keep things from your parents? Parents are important. Does having a boyfriend mean you are being pressured into anything physical? Your body is your own, and that’s important. Does having a boyfriend mean you are more popular? Popularity is not a true indication that something is good for us, and that’s important.

Does having a boyfriend change your emotions? Does it make you happier or does it add drama to your life? Does your potential boyfriend affirm you (make you feel worthy)? Does he make you feel more confident? Does he accept your friends? Does he respect you and your parents? Does he listen? Have you talked about consent, even for a simple physical act like kissing?

I believe you are too young to have sex, but connecting with someone in a healthy relationship that isn’t serious could be OK. Do you know what a healthy relationship is? Talk with your mom. A healthy relationship at 12 means you respect each other and you talk/text with each other in a respectful way. It means no one sends nude pictures to one another. It means you are protected from people making fun of you or of your relationship. It means you are encouraged in the relationship to do your homework and continue concentrating on school. It means no lying or hiding anything about the relationship from your parents. It means you are friends, not friends with benefits.

Please know you can set healthy boundaries; if you cannot set healthy boundaries and communicate them, you are not mature enough for a relationship. Remember, you are both worthy of respect.

I asked our peer educators for their wisdom.

Peer Educator Response: Some of us had partners at 12. Most of us didn’t. Those who did were careful, or, sometimes, we weren’t careful, and we paid for it with rumors and changes to our reputations. Make wise choices. Having a boyfriend because your friends do isn’t a good reason, in our opinion. Keep talking with Mary Jo and your mom.

Have a question? Send it to Dr. Mary Jo Podgurski’s email podmj@healthyteens.com.