Nov 7, 2024 4 min read

Q. I’m reacting badly to my parents’ divorce. I thought they loved each other. I thought they loved me. As an only, I’ve had their full attention all my life. They’ve been good parents. So many memories of holidays and vacations and trips, and of just hanging out at home. A lot of my friends like getting away from their parents, but I always enjoyed mine. We had fun together. Now, suddenly, without any warning or sign of distress, they tell me they’re splitting up. I suggested marriage counseling – me, their kid, had to suggest it, and they just said no, there was no reason for counseling, it was past that. Then my dad up and moved out. A day after they told me. My mom put the house up for sale the next day because she plans to move out of state to be closer to her family. I’m a senior. I’m a wreck. I worked hard for my senior year, I’m president of my favorite clubs and start in my sport. My grades are great. I thought my only angst this year would be picking a college! I don’t want to leave my school and my friends or my coach and my teachers. How could they destroy our family so brutally? And how could they be so good at hiding how they felt from me? I know this sounds selfish, but if they really couldn’t stand to be together, why not tough it out until I graduate? I know I sound bitter. I am. I’m not even sure why I’m telling you this. It’s not like you have any easy answers. But thanks for listening. – 17-year-old

Mary Jo’s Response: I’m honored to listen. I’m glad you reached out. While I don’t have easy answers, I’d like to help you think this through.

You have every right to be troubled and confused. You are experiencing grief over the loss of the family you loved; as with any grief, it will take time to heal.

Your suggestion of marriage counseling was rejected, but I hope your parents will be open to finding a counselor for you. Processing these major life changes by talking with a mental health professional would be an important step toward adjusting.

You may never know what happened in your parents’ relationship, but I believe their love for you isn’t affected by their split. You said, “I thought they loved me.” There’s no evidence they do not. Sadly, they appear so caught up in what’s happening to them that they may be missing how traumatizing this is for you.

When parents break up, they typically keep relationships with their children going. I think both your parents need to hear your distress. Do you have contact with your dad? Have you shared how you feel with your mom? They need to know.

You mention your mom’s family. When teens feel abandoned, I ask them to make a list of the names of people who support them. These people may be family, teachers, or friends. You may be surprised at the list when you finish. It’s good to know you have support. I’ve known teens in similar situations who were able to finish out their senior year by staying with a friend or with other local family members. Your parents would need to give permission, but I’ve known this to work. Use the words you shared with me – you’ve worked hard, and you’ve achieved milestones at your school that mean a lot to you.

Remember you are worthy. Speak up for what you need and do not hide your feelings. You are not alone.

Have a question? Send it to Dr. Mary Jo Podgurski’s email podmj@healthyteens.com.