Moving past differences after election
Q. You know how you always ask if we want to do high point, low point? I almost always pass. I don’t like talking in front of other people. But I remember this one time you said we could always write to you if something was bothering us. Well, my low point right now is huge. So I’m writing. I love my family. They’re a loud family. I mean they yell at each other. You should hear us on Steeler Sundays! It’s a good thing Coach Tomlin and the refs can’t hear! A couple years back my aunt brought home this guy she met in college. Turns out he’s a Broncos fan. I thought my uncles and my gramps were gonna glare him right out the door, it got so tense, my mee-maw had to yell louder than them and do what she calls “settle you all down.” I know all families aren’t like this because I went to my friend’s house for dinner and his family was all like, “please pass the salt” and no one yelled once. The problem right now is the election. I knew we were in for trouble because my grandparents are on opposite sides. They always have been. I remember sometimes they would laugh and say they cancelled each other’s vote out. They aren’t laughing this year. This year they are flat out mad. I’ll use a better word. They are livid. I heard my gramps call my mee-maw a baby killer and she said, “like you’d know what it means to have a baby” and then she called him a racist and a bigot. It got worse from there. I left the house and went for a walk with my new little cousin, who’s a little over a year old. He’s my favorite person in the family now, even if his dad is still a Broncos fan. I hate this tension. My mom says we won’t be having Thanksgiving with the whole family this year. I’ve never had a Thanksgiving without everyone, I don’t think I can be happy if my family is like this for turkey day. We only have a few weeks to pull people back together. I figure I’m the one to do it, because my mee-maw at least seems to listen to me. I don’t know where to start though. I need to try. And I don’t have a high point. – 12-year-old
Mary Jo’s Response: I’m so glad you got that out! I know it’s hard for you to talk in a group. It took courage for you to write down your low point. It’s better to share things that bother us. If we keep our low points inside, we’re like a balloon with too much air – we’re ready to burst (not physically, but emotionally). Feelings matter. It can be difficult to study at school or to concentrate on fun when we’re carrying a lot of tension.
Your family isn’t alone. This was a very divisive election. I grew up in a family that was loud (on one side) and politics was one of the main sources of argument. I remember preferring my dad’s side of the family during elections, because they never got upset, probably like your friend’s family. The difference is, after the election, my family would settle down, as your mee-maw said, and just go on with their lives.
I think your desire to make things better within your family before the holiday is laudable, which means I believe it’s a good thing. You want to be a peacemaker. You’re not too young to be wise. I’d start with your parents, who seem to be getting along, and then maybe your aunt and uncle, the parents of your favorite cousin. Be honest, like you were with me. Please do not be too disappointed if you’re not able to make peace. Thanksgiving may not be the same, and I hear you when you say that it would be difficult.
We’re hosting a Love Anyway Feast at the Teen Center on Thursday night from 6 to 8 p.m. It’s an open house. Everyone brings a potluck. Doesn’t your mee-maw make a great mac and cheese? Maybe your grandparents could attend. There’s no guarantee it would help, but the program is a national one about moving past differences. It’s well-organized, and you’d have a job to do by welcoming people and helping them find seats to eat together. It can’t hurt.
Good luck. Remember your worth. I’m proud of you.
Have a question? Send it to Dr. Mary Jo Podgurski’s email podmj@healthyteens.com.