Connecting with teens with support, respect
Q. I’m one of the teen fathers you helped. I remember you treating me with respect and encouraging me. One of the last things you said to me when I graduated was, “Call me if you need me.” Well, here I am, 25 years later. The baby we had as teens did well, mostly because her mother was great. I did what I could. I’ve been part of her life, and her mom tells me that I did OK as a dad, which I hope is true. I enlisted in the Army after graduation, got my degree in computer science, married and moved out of PA. My wife and I have a son, who is 15 now. He reminds me of me at his age so much it scares me. I try to get him to talk to me, but he says little. My daughter was a hugger, even as a teen, she’d fall into my arms when I went to pick her up. My son doesn’t exactly pull away, but he never starts a hug. It’s like it’s too hard for him to let his guard down. Then, last week I watched the Netflix show “Adolescence” and it really made me think. I read all your columns, and you mentioned the show. My wife says I should take you up on your long ago offer. I wasn’t a horrible dad to my daughter, but I was so young. I think I could have done better. I’ve really tried with our son. I’m there for him 100%. Is he standoffish because he’s a boy? And any hints to connect with him? – Grateful dad
Mary Jo’s Response: I remember you well. You did do the best you could. Your daughter’s mom kept in touch, and I knew of your successes. Congratulations. She also affirmed you were a good dad.
At one point in my work with young people, I would’ve said your son’s reticence was linked to his gender – that, indeed, boys are less demonstrative as they mature than girls. Now, I feel teen behavior is more complicated than gender. I’ve seen outgoing boys who love to share and talk a lot; I’ve worked with teen girls who are challenging to reach. I know boys who are huggers and girls who find it difficult to be close to another person physically. Every single one of us is unique.
It’s true that our society conditions boys to be less emotionally demonstrative than girls, but I don’t believe that’s hard-wired into their gender. I think it’s the classic dichotomy of nurture vs nature. Your son and daughter are different people and respond to life in their own way.
The show “Adolescence” has inspired a lot of opinion pieces; most experts remind parents that this is a fictional account of a horrible situation. It’s true the main character does not connect with his father well, nor does the son of the detective, at least initially. I wouldn’t let the show drive your connection; I would address your son as he needs. Here are some ways I connect with teens:
First, articulate the obvious. Tell your son you’re behind him 100% – tell him why he has your support. Affirm his importance in your life. He matters to you; he will always matter. Validate him.
Second, when you communicate, pose questions with care. Avoid the kinds of questions that make a teen feel trapped. Listen more than you talk. Invite him to share one good thing and one not so good thing about his day (at the Teen Center, we call that High Point, Low Point. We also do a round of “buffalo.” which means the teens say anything that crosses their minds, no matter how silly or off topic). Let him lead. Be aware of the music behind your words – your tone. Do not quiz him but show genuine interest. A simple technique I’ve used is to spend time daily with a teen and set a timer for five to seven minutes. This time is their time – I don’t speak unless to respond. Hold space and give him the gift of your presence without a phone or distraction. It’s OK to sit in silence. It’s amazing how often teens open up when this happens daily.
Third, respect his culture. Be aware of his online life and model respectful behavior. You’re his dad and he needs your guidance.
Finally, learn and respect your son’s rhythms. Don’t be afraid of him being like you; you’re a good man. Have faith in him and in yourself. I’m so glad you reached out. Please stay in touch. Both your daughter and your son are lucky to have you as a dad.
Have a question? Send it to Dr. Mary Jo Podgurski’s email podmj@healthyteens.com.