Jun 12, 2025 4 min read

Q. Is it strange that I’m a lot closer to my grandma than I am to my mom? I know my mom cares about me, but she doesn’t show it the way my gram does. I know how gram feels, not just because she says “I love you” to me every time she sees me or talks with me, but because she makes time for me and listens to me. She doesn’t judge me. My mom is always on my back. I worry because my gram isn’t well. I don’t know what I’d do if I lost her. It scares me so much to think she may die soon. – 14-year-old

Mary Jo’s Response: You’re not the first person your age to share a lack of closeness with a mother. I know this may sound like an excuse to you, but moms of teens have a big job to do. They must teach you how to be an adult; they need to model integrity and a strong moral compass. They need to empower you to be independent. This is what it means to parent a teen, and it can be challenging.

I love working with teens – they’re my favorite type of human – but I acknowledge they can cause some angst for parents. Emotionally, a young person your age can be all over the place. Friendships can be difficult, schoolwork can be put off until the last minute, and teens are not the small children they once were. So many mothers have said to me over the years: “I just want my little girl back” when their daughters were teens.

I’m not excusing your mom. Showing love is important. I’m glad your gram is there for you. It sounds as if your gram shows her love for you in ways that you understand. Is it possible your mom shows love in different ways? Does she prepare meals for you and do your laundry? Is she there at school functions? Does she remind you to do your homework? Is she careful who you choose as friends? Does she monitor your phone and online use? You may resent some of those things, but they’re all part of her parenting you and helping you become a functioning adult.

Yes, death is not only scary, but also inevitable, which means it will happen to everyone. I learned not to fear death as a young nurse caring for children with cancer; most people just ignore it. My book, “Nonnie Talks about Death,” was written for younger readers, but you may find comfort in it (http://bit.ly/NonnieDeath). Just because your gram is older doesn’t mean she will die soon. I know you will miss her when she passes. Grief can be tough. I facilitate a Grief/Loss Discussion Group the third Thursday of the month at our Common Ground Teen Center (92 N. Main, Washington). We’re here if/when you need us.

I’m a big believer in communication. There are two important conversations you should have – one with your gram and one with your mom. Teens often share my column about their concern as a conversation starter – you could do so. Or you could simply start talking about what troubles you. Your gram can comfort you and share how she wants you to always keep her memory in your heart, but that she wants you to go on when she’s gone. Your mom needs to know you would like to be closer with her. It’s easier to avoid these kinds of talks, but it’s almost always better once our worries are out in the open.

I hope your gram’s health improves and you have many more years with her, and I hope your mom can understand how you feel. Good luck.

Have a question? Send it to Dr. Mary Jo Podgurski’s email podmj@healthyteens.com.