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Daughter a narcissist

4 min read

Dear Annie: Our oldest daughter is married to a nice man and they have a sweet 2-year-old daughter. My son-in-law makes good money and my daughter can afford to stay home, but they never seem to have enough to get ahead. My daughter has been known to spend foolishly. They only have one car and it doesn’t run half the time. They can’t afford another. We let them live in our home for a year rent-free, so they could save enough to purchase their first house.

I know I’ve enabled my daughter for her entire life. She is very spoiled and self-centered. We argue a great deal and exchange hurtful words. Regularly, I surrender to her selfishness and give her money or run errands for her, even though I work full-time. I do these things because she is a recovering alcoholic and drug addict, and I fear she will otherwise return to that life again. She doesn’t attend her meetings anymore.

I don’t know how to handle her. I’m either forced to defend myself or give in to her whims. She never appreciates anything I do for her and she never does anything for me. Her husband is no better. He is selfish and spoiled by his mother, and he also enables my daughter.

She’s a good mother, but I babysit a lot. Her husband doesn’t complain when she gets together with her friends, but he works long hours and they don’t have much time together. I think he feels neglected.

How do I know when to do things for her and when not to? How do I tell the difference between enabling and being a good mother? When she gets into one of her horrible, blaming moods, how do I handle that? This child has become a bitter pill to swallow, but I love her so much. — Mother of a Narcissist

Dear Mom: You should back away from some of this drama. The hardest thing for a parent to do is watch a child fail, but you may need to step back and let it happen. Your daughter cannot learn to stand on her own two feet if Mom is always holding her up. Her marriage issues and whether she attends meetings are no longer your business. Don’t give her money if she cannot manage it responsibly. When she blames you for not indulging her, remain calm and say, “I’m sorry you feel that way.” Walk away if she cannot stop berating you. Look into Al-Anon for yourself (al-anon.org). A good mother teaches her child to be independent and self-reliant, even when the process is painful to watch, and helps her accept that the universe doesn’t owe her everything she demands.

Dear Annie: This is in response to “Not His Girlfriend,” the woman whose husband objects to her acting as tour guide to a visiting male friend while the husband’s at work. He obviously has a trust issue.

I regularly entertain my male friends of over 25 years at my house for lunch and conversation. My husband thinks this is fine. My children consider them uncles. Unless there are reasons for her husband not to trust her, he needs to chill out. — Plattsburgh, N.Y.

Dear N.Y.: We agree that the husband is being overly suspicious, but his wife must be the one to decide how much of a ruckus she wants to make over this.

Annie’s Mailbox is written by Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar, longtime editors of the Ann Landers column. Please email your questions to anniesmailbox@creators.com, or write to: Annie’s Mailbox, c/o Creators Syndicate, 737 3rd Street, Hermosa Beach, CA 90254. You can also find Annie on Facebook at Facebook.com/AskAnnies.

To find out more about Annie’s Mailbox and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at www.creators.com.

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