Rapist mulls coming clean
Dear Annie: My wife and I have been married for 30 years. Before we met, I coerced a woman into having sex. I did not use physical force, but she did not give consent. By today’s standards, this was, I think, a clear case of date rape.
I have never told anyone about this, and there is little chance that we will ever encounter this woman. So my wife will never find out. Do I owe it to her to tell her? I believe that to do so could cause serious harm to our marriage. — Anonymous and Conflicted
Dear Anonymous: Society is much more sensitive these days (and rightly so) to instances of sex without consent, e.g., when the woman is drunk or when someone in a position of authority takes advantage of a subordinate. We are glad that this has been bothering you for 30 years. It shows that you have remorse.
Ideally, you would tell your wife and have her support when you voluntarily go to the police, but you don’t seem likely to do that. You can discuss this with your clergyperson or a therapist, although depending on the particulars of the date rape and the state in which it happened, there may be mandatory reporting laws, as well as no statute of limitations on the crime. (For information on these laws, contact RAINN at rainn.org, or see a lawyer.) A therapist also could help you decide how to broach the subject with your wife.
Is there a way to apologize to the victim? This can be more healing than you know, for both of you. You might also contribute to an organization for rape victims. These things don’t at all make up for what you did, but they are a step in the right direction and better than doing nothing.
Giving and getting
Dear Annie: You’ve printed several letters about bridal showers and baby showers and other occasions where gifts are given.
Let me ask these young women who expect their family members to give gifts for every one of these events: Do you ever give your grandparents a birthday present? Do you ever send the great-aunts a Christmas card? When your uncle is ill, do you send flowers or a get-well card?
Life is not about how many gifts you can get. These young men and women should count the number of gifts they have received from their grandparents, aunts, uncles and other close friends and family members since their high school graduations and then consider what they have given in return. — Tired of the Gimme Generation
Dear Tired: Amen. Too often the recipients of largesse think the gravy train only runs in one direction and they don’t need to show similar consideration to an older generation. But what relative wouldn’t be thrilled to get a birthday card from a great-niece or a holiday card from a grandchild without prompting?
If you have older relatives or friends and have never thought about sending them a card or a gift or making a phone call on their special days, please remember all of the considerate things they have done for you over the years, and ask yourself how you could express similar kindness.
Annie’s Mailbox is written by Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar, longtime editors of the Ann Landers column. Please email your questions to anniesmailbox@creators.com, or write to: Annie’s Mailbox, c/o Creators Syndicate, 737 3rd Street, Hermosa Beach, CA 90254. To find out more about Annie’s Mailbox and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at www.creators.com.