Dec 21, 2016 4 min read

Dear Annie: I have a brainteaser for you. My husband and I have been married for nearly 11 years. He was divorced from his first wife about 15 years ago; they had no children. His family has welcomed me with open arms.

However, his ex-wife continues to stay in touch with family members. They even visit her and host her at their homes. Never has she been invited to family gatherings, and no one talks about her in front of me, but I still find out about it. My husband has made clear to these family members that this is awkward and not healthy for the ex-wife, but they persist.

I have two concerns. One, it feels as if someone is lurking in the shadows, and two, it seems odd that she has not moved on after so many years. I gave up connection to some lovely people when my ex-boyfriend and I split up, because it felt like the right thing to do for both of us. What’s your take on this situation? — Scratching My Head in New Hampshire

Dear Scratching: It’s bizarre that she’s still hovering around, 15 years later.

By now, she ought to have buzzed off and found her own hive. When you say goodbye to a partner, you say goodbye to his family, too. (If there were children involved, it would be different.)

But clearly, some of your in-laws are encouraging her. So that raises the question: Who? Is it just one person? A sister who always got along well with this woman and connected with her as a friend? If that’s the case, try to let the friendship remain and just ask that they continue to meet only at times other than family functions.

If several of your in-laws are doing this, it’s time for your husband to step up. He needs to make abundantly clear that their maintaining such a close relationship with his ex-wife is not just awkward but also hurtful.

Spousal affairs

Dear Annie: I want to address “Sleepless in Anywhere, USA,” “Sick and Hurt” and others who are hurt by spousal affairs.

There are various reasons committed and loving spouses have affairs. I was married to a loyal husband, but our marriage was scarred with emotional abuse that went unaddressed despite my continued pleas for dealing with it. Instead of being cherished, I was made to feel worthless.

From what I could determine, he suffers from emotional injuries inflicted during his childhood. He built an emotional barrier around himself. He refused to go to counseling; I went on my own, with mixed results.

I didn’t want to get divorced, so I tried other means to get through the situation. In the end, I had an affair. We are near the end of divorce proceedings. I am saddened by the whole story, and much of what is important to me has to be left behind.

So, for those loyal partners who find their spouse in an affair, please step outside yourself and look at the whole picture.

How could better communication and self-honesty improve your relationship? Are there past harms — which have nothing to do with a current relationship — hurting the present? If you have chosen to share your life with another, then really share life — the good and bad.

A loving spouse wants to help carry the burden, heal and move past these destructive ills. I did — though here in the end, I’m the “evil gal who had an affair,” while the other side of the story remains a secret. — Made to Move On

Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.