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Its Name Is Gossip

5 min read

Dear Annie: I need advice on how to deal with my husband’s friend. This person is a gossip who delves into the details of other people’s personal lives. He entertains groups with these unflattering stories and makes himself important by offering his analyses, judging their life choices, misdeeds and daily activities. Family, friends, acquaintances and anyone in the public eye are subject to his scrutiny. He can be quite charming while he’s being friendly with you during his “information gathering” stage, but he has hurt many people and tarnished their reputations. He is a bully and a poor role model.

He claims to be religious and caring, but I find his behavior intrusive and offensive. He questions my husband about our family activities on a daily basis. I have told my husband and this person that this is unacceptable. I try hard to avoid him. Why are some people such gossip-mongers? — Fed Up by This Octopus

Dear Fed Up: You’re smart to stay out of his toxic tentacles’ reach. I’m surprised this man still has friends at all. If someone gossips about anyone not in the room, you know whom he’ll be talking about just as soon as you’re out the door. Let’s hope your husband will put that together in time and cut ties with this man.

Below is a poem called “Nobody’s Friend” (author unknown), which several readers have shared with me since I started writing this column and which I think is worth sharing here:

“My name is Gossip.

“I have no respect for justice.

“I maim without killing.

“I break hearts and ruin lives.

“I am cunning and malicious and gather strength with age.

“The more I am quoted the more I am believed.

“I flourish at every level of society.

“My victims are helpless.

“They cannot protect themselves against me because I have no name and no face.

“To track me down is impossible.

“The harder you try, the more elusive I become.

“I am nobody’s friend.

“Once I tarnish a reputation, it is never the same.

“I topple governments and ruin marriages.

“I ruin careers and cause sleepless nights, heartache and indigestion.

“I spawn suspicion and generate grief.

“I make innocent people cry in their pillows.

“Even my name hisses.

“I am called Gossip.”

Dear Annie: As someone who’s been a recovered alcoholic for nearly 10 years, I agree with your advice to “Margaret,” who was contemplating staying with the alcoholic who recently tried assaulting her daughter. (You told her to “run, not walk, away from this man.”)

If he is serious about getting help, he will make new friends in recovery. Alcoholics Anonymous will accept him with open arms.

If, however, he is not committed to changing, it is much better to be nowhere near him because he is likely to commit even worse offenses. — SL

Dear SL: Thanks for speaking to the situation from personal experience. I hope Margaret, as well as anyone else in her shoes, takes it to heart.

Dear Annie: A few months ago, I messaged you about the issues that come with my speech problem, and you advised me on meditating. Since that letter was printed, I have noticed how a lot of people have been considerate about my “accent” and not really asked me about it. While meditating over these months, I have come up with some thoughts that I’d like to share with you and, if you find it necessary, the people who read your advice in the paper.

I first noticed how, as you said in the column, one can’t change how people act. People may say things that they themselves come to regret in the future. Though working in customer service can be frustrating, I find comfort in the fact that some people have “problems” like me. Some have ADHD, autism, etc., and I found myself (and my co-workers) judging them and making fun of them.

As I meditated, I noticed that, and it made me think about why I had the right to write to you about my problems when I was judging others for theirs. After I found that I was judging my customers, I felt horrible. People can’t change certain parts of themselves any more than I can make my horrid speech problem better.

I started to treat the people who come in as I would like to be treated and have found that I am happier at the end of the day. I advise anyone to share a kind understanding and maybe just strike up a small conversation with someone. You never know what it could lead to. — Working on My Perspective in Pennsylvania

Dear WOMPIP: It’s great to hear from you again. You seem so much more at peace with things than you did in your first letter. I hope your story encourages others to give meditation a try.

Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.

To find out more about Annie Lane and read features by other Creators Syndicate columnists and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.

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