Dec 15, 2002 4 min read

Dear Joy, I am going to be married for the second time on Valentine’s Day. I have two children from my first marriage, ages four and six. I had a very stormy and difficult first marriage because my husband was both verbally and physically abusive.

My children do not see their father since I have complete custody. Lately he has been calling to speak to the kids and they say he is very mad I am getting married again. My kids are starting to turn against my future husband and they say they want me to marry their daddy again. My oldest child told me that his dad said he would stop the wedding. He also told me that his dad is going to beat-up my future husband.

I have started pre-marital counseling with my future husband and we are dealing with the children and their issues. But right now, I am worried my ex-husband will disrupt my wedding. I don’t know what to do about it. Jittery

Dear Jittery,

Domestic violence cannot be ignored, nor should threats of violence. As long as his threats continue, you cannot let your children speak to their father on the phone. Through them, he is attempting to hurt and threaten you. Answer all phone calls yourself, or better yet, use an answering machine to screen them. If he leaves any threatening messages, save them and give them to the local authorities.

I am glad to hear that you have started pre-marital counseling. You will both need to find strength in your relationship to face the difficulties of marriage, children, and a belligerent ex-husband. Contact your lawyer and discuss your ex-husband’s threats and behavior. You need professional advice, and perhaps a restraining order. You need to discuss this matter with a rational and objective professional.

As far as the wedding is concerned, some couples will quietly hire an undercover security person or an off-duty police officer to stand at the door. The guard is dressed in appropriate wedding attire and is given a picture of the unwanted guest for easy recognition.

Dear Joy,

I am getting married next spring. My mother and father have been divorced for the past 10 years.

They each have remarried and are civil to each other. Now that we are in the budget and planning phase of my wedding, I am concerned about them maintaining this civil relationship. My biggest concern is how to pay these wedding expenses. They have agreed to share the majority of the costs. Do you have any suggestions how to make this work? TRS

Dear TRS,

Consider opening a joint checking account. Have each of your parents contribute an equal amount to the account. Wedding expenses can be paid from the account without you having to quibble over “who will pay for what.’

Dear Joy,

My second wedding is planned for next spring. I had a big and splashy wedding the last time and now, I want simple, simple, and simple.

I want to look like a bride, but without the train and lace, and I want to keep the budget small.

I have looked in all the bridal magazines and I see a lot of simple wedding gowns but they all have trains. I can’t sew, so I need to buy something off the rack. By the way, I am approaching 40. Any suggestions? Kim

Dear Kim,

Stop looking in the bridal magazines and visit a bridal shop. Most bridal shops carry gowns designed to fill the needs of a more sophisticated and mature bride.

If price is a big consideration, consider trying on some bridesmaid gowns.

Many of today’s bridesmaid gowns are sophisticated and fashionable, are available in white or ivory, and make lovely second marriage wedding gowns.

K. Joy Schaeffer is a bridal consultant. E-mail her your bridal questions at bridejoy@yahoo.com.

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