Jul 28, 2002 4 min read

Dear Joy, I have never been the mother of the bride or groom before so I suddenly find myself in need of advice. A friend told me that you recently dealt with the topic of the family of the bride being unable to provide the wedding that the groom and his family expect (our future son-in-law recently announced that there would be 325 people from his side of the family at the wedding eating and drinking….yikes!). How can I get a hold of that article? -Don’t Want To Go Into Debt.

Dear Mother of the Bride,

I searched my archives and couldn’t find a previous question/answer situation that fits your problem. So I will address your problem with this column.

The financial burden of wedding planning need not be shouldered entirely by the bride’s family. As many couples are marrying at a more mature age, the financial onus of wedding costs is frequently shared by the couple, too. Often the groom’s family will also contribute to the wedding budget in a more equitable manner than in the past.

Organize a meeting with the bride and groom, and with his parents, to devise a wedding budget before the wedding planning process begins. A frank discussion about expectations, formality, size, and financial contributions is needed at that time.

Do some research and legwork before the meeting and try to discover the approximate cost per person of a few local reception sites. With that cost knowledge and a realistic guest number estimate, you can have a good handle on potential costs. Your research will help you to determine how much you are financially willing to contribute. Your findings will also help to enlighten the group about realistic wedding costs.

Deciding on the level of formality will also influence the creation of a wedding budget. Formality is determined by the following factors: ceremony and reception site, the type of food served, the size of the wedding party, number of guests, and the style of wedding garments. Extra details, such as elaborate floral arrangements, a harpist or soloist, and fancy wedding favors, will also add to the level of formality. Determine the level of formality and it will provide a blueprint for wedding planning.

Before the meeting you need to determine, from your research, how much you can contribute to the budget and your estimated guest list number. At the meeting, you need to decide the formality, guest limit restrictions (due to cost and site restrictions) and possible budget items. At this time, your personal financial commitment and the level of financial contribution from both the couple and the groom’s parents, should be addressed.

If you find that your future son-in-law and his family are unwilling to trim their list, or contribute to the budget, tell them that you can afford to pay for a wedding of 100 (you pick the number) guests, and they will have to pay for any additional guests. I guarantee their list will be quickly trimmed.

Dear Joy:

When I lived in Pennsylvania I use to bake dozens and dozens of cookies for wedding receptions. It was a huge display of different cookies and was a bigger hit than the wedding cake itself.

A friend of mine is planning her wedding here in Florida and although I want to offer to bake the cookies she emphatically states she is NOT having cookies at her wedding. What do you think of this? Cookie

Dear Cookie,

Cookies are a lovely addition to a wedding reception; however, you cannot force your sweets on a bride who doesn’t have a “sweet tooth.” She may want her wedding cake to be the big hit, and not the cookies.

Consider baking cookies for the shower instead. The hostess of her bridal shower might be grateful for your sweet offer.

K. Joy Schaeffer is a bridal consultant. You can e-mail her your bridal questions at

bridejoy@yahoo.com.