Jun 30, 2002 4 min read

Dear Joy, My mother wants to wear a floor length gown, and my future mother-in-law says that she intends to wear a suit. She already has the suit. The suit is very basic and it looks like one you would wear to work. Doesn’t the mother-of-the-bride get to choose first, and shouldn’t the future mother-in-law follow along? My future mother-in-law is very controlling and she is making everything very difficult. Kristene.

Dear Kristene,

Mothers generally try to coordinate with the colors and skirt length of the wedding party to enhance the wedding and the formal wedding pictures.

The mother of the bride customarily chooses the skirt length and color of her dress before the mother of the groom. The mother of the bride is considered the hostess of the wedding, and it has always been considered her prerogative to choose first.

Your mother should choose a dress she is comfortable with and loves. I wouldn’t insist your future mother-in-law follow along if it will cause hard feelings. Your future mom should also feel comfortable with her choice.

Respect your mother-in-law’s decision since your relationship with her can greatly impact your marriage. This issue truly isn’t that important, as the focus of the day will be on you and your groom.

Dear Joy,

I have been agonizing over my future daughter-in-law’s wedding plans. She asked for our guest list and I submitted a list of 125 relatives and friends. She said we need to cut the list to 75. If I cut 50 people from the list, I will have to eliminate first cousins and dear friends.

I have offered to pay for the extra guests, but she insists that she needs to limit the guest list. My son is so much in love he justs nods his head. I am heartsick with worry. Joan

Dear Joan,

Compromise is the rule of the day when making a guest list. More arguments ensue over guest list creation than any other aspect of wedding planning. Answer some of the following questions and you may begin to understand the bride’s motivation.

Are space restrictions the reason for cutting the list?

Does the bride want to limit your guest list because she will not have as many guests?

Does she want a smaller and more intimate wedding?

Is she overwhelmed with meeting a lot of strangers and new relatives?

Even if you are willing to contribute, is cost still a factor?

Once you have discussed some of these issues, I am sure that you can reach a compromise.

Dear Joy,

I need some suggestions for processional music. I don’t want to walk to “Here Comes the Bride” and I don’t want it forced on me by the church organist. I want to be prepared when I meet with her. J.J.

Dear J.J.,

I recommend you do your homework before you meet with any wedding professional. There are many tapes featuring wedding ceremony music available at local music stores or libraries. Listen to the tapes a few times and write down your favorites.

When you meet with the organist, ask if he can play your favorite selections. Most church organists are well trained and can play a wide variety of music, but remember that some religions place restrictions on secular music. Get approval before you get your heart set on a certain song.

Joy’s Bridal Tip: Weary of “Here Comes the Bride”? Consider “Waltz of the Flowers” by Tchaikovsky, “Ode to Joy” by Beethoven, “Ava Maria” by Schubert, or the “Wedding March” by Mendelssohn, as your processional music choice.

K. Joy Schaeffer is a bridal consultant. You can e-mail her your bridal questions at bridejoy@yahoo.com.