May 19, 2002 3 min read

Dear Joy, My only son is to be married next fall. His future wife and her family live in Michigan, and the wedding will be held there. My son went to college near their home and plans to live in Michigan after the wedding.

I really like my future daughter-in-law, and I am very excited about the wedding. Unfortunately, because of the distance, I feel excluded from the plans. The bride and her mom have really taken control and have made all of the important decisions, even though my husband and I are contributing to half of the wedding budget.

I don’t want to upset the apple cart, but I really feel that we should be consulted. He is our only child, and this will be the only opportunity we will have to participate in wedding planning. I really feel that we are missing out. How involved should we be? His Parents.

Dear His Parents,

Your family connection and financial support give you the right to be involved in the planning process. The first step is to maintain communication with your son, the bride and her parents on a regular basis. First, express to your son your desire to be involved. Then, you, your husband and son should tell your future daughter-in-law and her parents.

The distance and your unfamiliarity with the area’s vendors will make it difficult for you to play an integral role in the planning process. Even though all of the important decisions have been made, make a couple of trips to the area before the wedding.

With the bridal couple and her parents, make appointments to see the chosen reception venue and ceremony site.

Once you have seen the locations, try not to undermine the major decisions that have already been made. If you have any special requests or suggestions, make sure you are diplomatic and sensitive.

Realize that the bride and her family are familiar with the area and probably did a lot of legwork and shopping before they made their selections.

Consult with the bride and her mother about the choice, colors and style of the bridal party’s wedding garments.

You will want to coordinate the length and color of your dress with her mother and the other women in the wedding party.

During one of your visits, determine with your son and his bride, the clothing options for your husband and the other men in the bridal party.

The parents of the groom usually plan and host the rehearsal party. While on your trip, seek out rehearsal party venues.

Try not to overshadow the wedding with an extravagant rehearsal dinner location and menu.

A rehearsal dinner party is meant to be informal and fun and is the perfect opportunity for you and your husband to meet the wedding party participants and some of the bride’s close family members.

K. Joy Schaeffer is a bridal consultant. You can e-mail her your bridal questions at bridejoy@yahoo.com.