Daughter plans elaborate, unreligious wedding despite parent’s wishes
Dear Joy, My husband and I are quite upset over my daughter’s wedding plans. She has planned a fall wedding that is quite elaborate and expensive at a local country club.
Her future in-laws are members of the club. She expects us to pay for the bulk of the wedding and it is going to put us seriously into debt. That is just one of the problems.
The other problem is that she and her future husband refuse to get married in our church. They want to get married by a judge at the club outdoor gazebo. She says she always wanted an outdoor ceremony and doesn’t want to have “to jump through hoops” with a church and their guidelines.
The groom’s family is not religious at all (his dad worships on the club’s golf course each Sunday). They don’t seem to care about a church wedding and I swear they are encouraging my daughter and their son to turn their backs on a religious ceremony.
The groom’s mother keeps mentioning the timeframe and how a quick ceremony at the club would make it more convenient for guests – a one-stop wedding.
Last week, we met with his family, the groom and our daughter. When I left the room for a few minutes, I overheard them joking about my suggestion to have a priest at the ceremony. I felt humiliated and upset that they would joke about my suggestion and encourage my daughter to turn her back on her religion.
After that episode, my husband and I felt like telling them all to count us out on financing this wedding. We are still considering it but we don’t want to upset our daughter. Do you have any suggestions on how we should proceed from here? Name Withheld
Dear Mom,
I think you need to stick to a budget you can afford, and if the wedding has become too extravagant and expensive, you need to rein in the spending. If your daughter and her future in-law’s insist on a wedding you can’t afford, they will have to compromise and/or contribute.
Sure, it is quite hurtful when one’s religious and spiritual beliefs are ridiculed, but I don’t think you should use your financial control as a weapon against the bridal couple and the groom’s parents.
You have a right to be hurt about their rude behavior and you need to address your concerns with the bridal couple.
Remember that a person’s spirituality, or lack of, is personal.
Religious ceremonies are sacred to many and insignificant to others. You cannot force your religious beliefs on the groom’s family or your daughter.
The bridal couple though may not be aware that many religious officiants will perform a ceremony at off-site locations.
Did they approach a religious officiant about this possibility? If the couple won’t even consider it, they may be avoiding required pre-marital counseling sessions (this may be where the “jump through hoops” idea came from).
I have to take the opportunity to comment on the remark that you made regarding the groom’s mother and her focus on the reception timeframe and the guest’s convenience.
First of all, what is the hurry?
Does the club have another wedding following your daughter’s reception and your guests will get the bum’s rush?
Some reception venues will rush a wedding if they have another one booked for a later time in the day.
Second, I rarely have seen guests feel inconvenienced about traveling from a religious ceremony site to the reception site unless it is more than a 20-minute drive.
I believe that most guests enjoy the beauty of a sacred ceremony and appreciate its significance.
K. Joy Schaeffer is a bridal consultant. You can e-mail her your bridal questions at bridejoy@yahoo.com.