Marital union of two people should be the focal point of a wedding, not the reception
Dear Joy, Do you remember the letter from the guest who was so upset about the lavish wedding and the quick and meaningless ceremony? That was a letter from me and I have an update: The bridal couple is getting a divorce after two short years of marriage.
When I saw last week’s column about the couple who wanted a quick ceremony at the reception and wanted to skip the religious ceremony, I immediately thought of my letter to you. Could you locate my letter, I believe I sent it in October of 2000. I think it would be a very appropriate response to the couple who doesn’t want to “jump through hoops” over a religious ceremony. That was what my cousin and her future husband said too, but now we all know they just wanted to avoid pre-marital counseling sessions with the priest. – MR
Dear MR,
I remembered it and here it is.
Dear Joy,
I recently attended my cousin’s wedding in New York.
It was a lavish wedding and it was quite obvious my aunt and uncle spent a lot of money on the bride’s day. I don’t attend many weddings since most of my relatives are already married or too young. Since weddings for me are an oddity, I was surprised by two things. Perhaps you can discuss them in a future column.
First of all, I was surprised at the expense. The morning after the wedding, I overheard a conversation between two relatives as they discussed the cost per person vs. the amount of money they gave as a gift. Is it common for weddings to be $85 a plate? I was shocked and felt quite cheap when I weighed my gift cost in comparison. I thought I was being generous, but now I feel embarrassed (I gave a $75 present).
Second, I couldn’t believe the theatrical production the reception facility put on. Before the food was served, 10 well-dressed waiters were introduced in a procession as they exhibited trays of the first course. Dry ice smoke rose from the salad dressing serving bowls on the trays. Dry ice was used during the first dance and during the introduction of the wedding party, too.
That wasn’t the end of the theatrics (or the dry ice). The Venetian dessert tables were hidden by curtains. The bride and groom were asked to present the Venetian tables, along with a drum roll, dry ice and the encouragement of the DJ, to all of the guests.
I swear this all took almost as long as the 15 minute wedding ceremony held at the restaurant’s outdoor gazebo.
Finally, the bride and groom, and the guests were rushed out at the end of the event to make way for the next wedding reception. Joy, I couldn’t help feeling the place was constantly promoting itself and their food, and not the bride and groom. My aunt and uncle could have spent less money at the reception, since I wouldn’t have missed the dry ice or the excessive amount of food. More attention could have been given to the bridal couple. Sign me – Not Impressed.
Dear Not Impressed:
Your letter brought up some valid points, regarding extravagant weddings that are honest and insightful.
The first point, regarding the cost per person vs. gift contribution, is an emotional issue for many hosts and their guests. As many of my faithful readers know, I never promote any expectation of receiving cash gifts to match the amount of money spent per plate. How can any guest know what a host has ordered and spent on their meal? Is it fair that a guest be expected to go into debt for a gift because they have been invited to a lavish wedding? Hasn’t the host taken this financial burden upon himself?
As I have said before, there is no admission charge to attend a wedding. The host is giving a wedding reception to celebrate the marriage of the bridal couple. There is a cost to hosting a wedding, just as there is a cost to hosting any type of party. The guests are not obligated to financially match the cost of their dinner in the form of a present.
As far as the extravagance and dry-ice are concerned, I am always saddened when the actual wedding ceremony is rushed for the sake of the reception. I believe, the emphasis of the day, should foremost be on the marital union of two people. Food, theatrics, clothing, and color of the table napkins, are secondary to the relationship and future promise of the bridal couple.
K. Joy Schaeffer is a bridal consultant. E-mail bridal questions at bridejoy@yahoo.com.
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