Dec 7, 2003 4 min read

Dear Joy, I will be married next spring to a wonderful guy. We live in Pennsylvania and my future in-laws live in California. I will meet them for the first time at Christmas. I have been agonizing over a small thing that I don’t know how to handle. What do I call them? I don’t want to call them mom or dad since I call my parents that.

“Mr. and Mrs. Smith” seems too formal. Do I ask them or should I just not address them at all until they say something? Liz

Dear Liz,

I don’t think “Hey you” would be the appropriate title so you need to ask if they don’t address the situation first. For example, when you are introduced, you can say, “It is nice to meet you Mr. & Mrs. Smith.” At this point, hopefully they will say, “Please call us, Mary and Bob.”

If they don’t, ask them soon after how you should address them. If they say mom and dad, I suggest you tell them that you don’t think you will ever feel comfortable calling anyone but your own parents that, and ask if they have any other suggestions. I believe at this point, they will suggest their first names.

Handle this situation the first time you meet them or before you know it you will be addressing them as “Grandma and Grandpa” with your future children.

Dear Joy,

I have a dear friend who will be in my wedding. We have been friends since we were eight years old, and I cherish our friendship. She lives 200 miles away and now we only see each other a few times a year.

My future husband doesn’t care for her and I have to convince him every time she is in town for us to get-together with her and her husband. He is so resistant because he doesn’t care for her husband either. They are both well educated and I believe that my future husband, who is a tradesman, feels uncomfortable. They like going to shows and fine restaurants and my guy likes baseball, beer, and hotdogs.

I am heartsick that he won’t try and spend time with people I care about and I don’t want to lose this long friendship.

We have talked all of our lives about being in each other’s weddings and I am beginning to feel this friendship is slipping away before I walk down the aisle. Torn

Dear Torn,

Most of us bring an assortment of friends to a marriage and cultivate new friends in the process.

It’s not unusual for some to remain just friends of the bride, and some will continue as just friends of the groom. Unfortunately, some friends will drift apart as careers, romantic relationships, and children begin to take precedence.

As a married couple, you do not need to always socialize together. You might enjoy a more quality one-on-one time to reminisce with an old friend.

Consider a special “girls weekend” where the two of you can laugh about old jokes, share stories, and shop without the guys tagging along. I suggest that you see your friend alone most of the time and bring your husband along every once in awhile. Consider inviting them to participate in an activity your husband enjoys, such as attending a baseball game and eating in a less formal restaurant.

The informal atmosphere may be more relaxing for all of you, and might encourage more light-hearted conversation.

K. Joy Schaeffer is a bridal consultant. You can e-mail her your bridal questions at bridejoy@yahoo.com. Please indicate “bridal question” in the subject line.