Dec 14, 2003 4 min read

Dear Joy, In a recent column, you mentioned some secrets to a lasting marriage. I was quite moved by your description of your in-law’s 62-year marriage. Their “secrets”-love and friendship, trust, faith, humor, and devotion-are the essential ingredients of my long marriage of 43 years.

Some of my friends haven’t fared as well. I’m not a prophet, but I could have told you at the onset that their marriages were not going to work. Why? Some of the couples would criticize or make fun of each other and they didn’t seem to respect each other’s feelings.

Some drank a lot and a few had a roving eye-even before marriage. Some allowed too much interference from their families and didn’t rely enough on each other.

Others had differences in faith that they were never able to resolve.

Finally, money issues seemed to be a predominant problem in most of these doomed marriages, too.

I told my three children when they were looking for their life partners that they needed to marry their “best friend.”

I couldn’t emphasize enough that they needed to truly like their spouse if they wanted a happy marriage.

My eldest daughter has been married for 15 years, my son has been married for 12, and my youngest daughter has been married for 10. I am fortunate that they are all happily married-despite life’s difficulties. Sure they have all had to face job loss, kid issues, and sicknesses, but their marriages have survived and strengthened over the years. They have learned how to rely on each other and they have also learned how to laugh and cry together through their problems.

They have all told me that they use our marriage as an example of how to stay married and remain friends.

I am very proud of them. Judy

Dear Judy,

You have reason to be proud of them. Your letter emphasizes the importance of a good marriage.

A good marriage is an example not only to future generations but also to the community. The lessons that you share are invaluable and help promote the institution of marriage.

Best wishes to all of your family for continued joy in marriage.

Dear Joy,

A couple of weeks ago, I cried after I read your column about your in-law’s marriage.

I was reminded of my parent’s happy marriage. They were married for 38 years before my dad died suddenly of a heart attack.

My mom never got over it and she missed him terribly.

He was her “best friend” and she was never able to replace him in her life. She recently died of a long illness and she seemed so eager “to meet my Bob in heaven.”

My first marriage was a disaster – too long of a story to go into here – but I am grateful to say that my second marriage is fantastic.

My first marriage had none of the “secrets” of a successful marriage but this one has every single one of them.

My parents tried to warn me the first time around but I was too headstrong and foolish to listen. They suggested pre-marital counseling but we couldn’t be bothered so we eloped.

Now it’s pretty obvious that before we jumped into marriage, we avoided any discussion to examine our relationship.

I am so grateful my mother lived to see me happily married with my “best friend.”

Please send my congratulations and anniversary wishes to your in-laws. Sue.

Dear Sue,

Thanks! I’ll do that.

K. Joy Schaeffer is a bridal consultant. You can e-mail her your bridal questions at bridejoy@yahoo.com.

Please indicate “bridal question” in the subject line.