In most cases, fathers ‘giving away the bride’ is a solid, true tradition
In honor of Father’s Day, I would like to take this opportunity to talk about the tradition of “giving away the bride.” Traditionally, the father escorts the bride down the aisle on her wedding day.
Often I am asked whether this is a necessary component to the ceremony. A bride who has been quite independent for a number of years and doesn’t feel the need to be given away by her father like a possession, often poses the question.
My answer? If this is your first wedding, and your father is alive and well, give him this honor.
And then there are many brides who suffer from bad father/daughter relationships and are quite uncomfortable with walking arm and arm down the aisle with their fathers.
Is an escort for the bride necessary?” No.
The guests, however, expect the tradition, and onlookers usually note its elimination. More importantly, if the father is present, his lack of participation is evident to all.
A number of years ago, I was a bridesmaid in a wedding. My girlfriend, the bride, decided to have her stepfather and mother escort her down the aisle. The bride’s mother encouraged the bride to have her and the stepfather give her away.
Unwittingly, the bride was used as a pawn by her mother to get even with her first husband.
The bride’s father, who was financially and emotionally supportive in her childhood and college, was present at the wedding ceremony. He sat at the back of the church and left before the reception. The bride’s decision to exclude him from the escort tradition and his public embarrassment affected their relationship from that day forward.
A number of years ago, I received a letter from a bride who suffered from a difficult childhood with an alcoholic father. I would like to share that letter with you again and my response.
Dear Joy,
My father has been an alcoholic my entire life. He has made my life and my mother’s life miserable. I told my mother I do not want him to walk me down the aisle. My mother thinks I am wrong since he is contributing a large amount of money to my wedding. I want to walk down by myself. What do you think? Megan
Dear Megan,
Many brides do walk down the aisle without an escort. In this instance, however, you should examine why you to deny your father this honor. Is this your way of getting back at him for drinking?
I can understand your desire to do this, however, realize that by denying him this honor, you are publicly rejecting him. You are announcing to all of your family and friends, “He has been a terrible father.”
You will never be able to repair the damage that you will cause by this public humiliation. Weddings are a time for joy and celebration-not humiliation.
You are risking a future relationship with him by denying him a one-minute walk down the aisle with you. You may not care about that now, but it will matter to you sometime in the future.
Perhaps, you should consider a walk down the aisle with him as a symbolic journey, a difficult and painful journey that will end when he hands you over to your groom and your new life together.
A few weeks later, I received this letter from a father:
Dear Joy,
A few weeks ago you had a letter from a bride who didn’t want her alcoholic father to walk her down the aisle. You stated that she shouldn’t publicly humiliate him by denying him this privilege as a punishment for his drinking.
Thank you. As a reformed alcoholic, I applaud your answer. For the past four years, I have been trying to repair relationships that my alcoholism almost destroyed. Two years ago, my daughter asked me to give her away. I was overwhelmed with love and I wanted to skip down the aisle with this beautiful and forgiving woman. Tom
Dear Tom,
You are very fortunate your daughter has forgiven you. As I said in that answer to the question you referred to, weddings are a time for joy and celebration and should not be a time for pain and humiliation. Your daughter’s forgiveness and your sobriety are healing your relationship. That is something to celebrate.
K. Joy Schaeffer is a bridal consultant. You can e-mail her your bridal questions at bridejoy@yahoo.com.