Mar 23, 2003 4 min read

Dear Joy, My daughter is getting married next summer on her college campus’ chapel which is five hours from our home.

She would like to ask her hometown minister to marry them. Since this is so far from home, would it be appropriate to pay for he and his family’s’ lodging in lieu of paying him a fee? Or should we pay lodging and a fee, or just a flat fee and let him pay for his own lodging? Please advise on proper procedure and what the average clergy fee is nowadays. Thank You, Mother of the Bride

Dear Mother,

Fees for religious officiants are across the board.

Some churches have a set wedding fee ($600 and up) which includes the services of an organist, wedding coordinator, officiant, counseling, janitorial services, and a facilities charge. Separate fees may be charged for candles, candelabras, and sound equipment. Soloists and extra musicians are also a separate charge.

You may find that your church charges a separate fee for each component and participant. For example, $200 for the facility, $200 for the officiant and six counseling sessions, $150 for the organist, $100 for the wedding coordinator, etc.

Typically, non-members are usually charged a higher fee than affiliated church members. Deposits are usually required when the date has been booked.

Your situation is different as your minister will not be utilizing his church facility, organist or wedding coordinator, so you probably will not have to pay a set fee. Keep in mind the thought, his inconvenience and the expense of traveling, time away from his parish, and the church’s cost of a substitute minister for scheduled church services.

I think it would be appropriate to pay for the lodging and travel expenses of him and his wife, along with a wedding fee.

Many ministers may not ask for a set fee but may request that you make an honorarium to their ministry.

(An “honorarium” is a payment given to a professional person for services for which fees are not legally or traditionally required). In this instance, the amount of the donation is up to you.

Dear Joy,

I am really concerned about my future mother-in-law.

Even though she appears to be happy about her son getting married in the summer, she keeps mentioning that she will never see him once he gets married.

She is a new widow and my future husband is her only child.

She keeps crying and clinging to him. It is understandable that she is going through a very emotional time, but it is making our engagement time quite unbearable.

I am concerned that he will always be pulled during our marriage and made to feel guilty whenever he doesn’t see her. I am trying to be patient but I am ready to tell her off! Future Daughter-in-Law.

Dear Future Daughter-in-Law,

Every engaged couple needs some pre-marital counseling to deal with family issues and to reveal potential problem areas. You both need to address this issue with a professional counselor immediately.

I suspect that your future husband has to deal with both his own grief and loss of his father and his sense of abandonment of his mother before he can move on to a successful marriage.

Together, you need to convince your mother-in-law that she would also benefit from counseling. Your marriage depends on it.

Joy reminisces: When I was engaged to my husband, my future mother-in-law wouldn’t give me her recipe for potato salad.

My many requests were ignored and she jokingly would say, “I’ll only give it to you after you marry John”.

After John and I were pronounced “Man and wife” and we recessed down the aisle, my mother-in-law stepped out to kiss me and she handed me a small folded piece of paper. I unfolded the paper and saw that it was her potato salad recipe! I was now an official part of the family.

K. Joy Schaeffer is a bridal consultant. You can e-mail her your bridal questions at bridejoy@yahoo.com.