Oct 10, 2004 4 min read

Dear Joy, My family has been attending our church for 27 years.

We are very active in the church and we would like our daughter to be married there next summer. Here is the problem. My daughter wants to have the reception at a popular establishment that books for weddings quite early. They have one date that is available next June and we would like to put down a deposit ASAP to reserve the date.

She contacted our church office and asked them to reserve the church for her wedding ceremony. She was told that the date is already reserved for another couple. When she asked whom the couple is, the secretary mentioned that they are new to the parish and they booked the date about a month ago.

Joy, don’t you think that since we are long-standing parishioners we should get the opportunity to have the wedding on the date we request versus a couple who just went church shopping for their ceremony? Steamed

Dear Steamed,

No. Just because you have contributed to your church life doesn’t mean that you should get priority over another parishioner couple, even if they are new to your church.

I believe your attitude is selfish and unwelcoming.

Dear Joy,

I have lived with the man I love for three years. He bought me a diamond ring and he told me that we were going to get married a number of times. Each time I want to set a date he backs out of it.

He has been married two times, and each time the marriages have ended in divorce. I have been married once before.

I have tried to tell him that I am not like his previous wives and that he shouldn’t be concerned about marrying me. He tells me all the time how much he loves me, but he then goes and breaks my heart by telling me he really never wants to get married again.

Recently during my brothers kidney surgery, he asked me if I told my sisters that we are to be married next June. I went ahead and told my family the good news and then a week later he told me that he never wants to get married. He said that he only wanted to make me happy during a tough time.

I am 38 years old and I don’t want to be single the rest of my life-and I have told him this over and over again. I cry over this all the time. What do you think I should do? Fiance.

Dear Fiance,

An engagement is a promise to marry.

Unfortunately, there is no statute of limitation on the promise and for some couples the engagement period remains stalled and the next step- a legalized union- is never realized.

In some instances, the comfort of living together before marriage does little to motivate a couple to formalize the union.

Your fiance obviously is gun shy and does not want to fail at another marriage.

He must overcome his fears and realize his past mistakes before he marries again.

Please do not set a date until you both confront his fears and issues regarding a formal marital commitment. I know this is my familiar refrain: Seek some counseling before marriage so that you may avoid repeating past mistakes.

If he doesnt agree to counseling and wants to keep everything status quo, you need to make a decision as to whether you want to be a fiance for the rest of your life.

In that instance, you may need to move out before you can move on.

(K. Joy Schaeffer is a bridal consultant. You can e-mail her your questions at bridejoy@yahoo.com.)

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