Sep 26, 2004 4 min read

Dear Joy, My mother is seriously ill in the hospital and if she survives, she will need extensive rehabilitative care for quite awhile. I am to be married in three weeks in a church ceremony but I realize that I cannot continue with my plans.

I am heartsick about my mother and cannot think of anything other than her well-being.

My fianc? is on the fence about canceling the wedding but agrees to “do what I want to do.”

My mother is beside herself about disappointing us and postponing the wedding. She doesn’t want us to “put off our future” because of her. Even though I have reassured her that we aren’t, she is still quite upset. She has even spoken about all of the deposits that we will lose and we shouldn’t be so “frivolous” to throw the deposits all away.

Will we lose all of our deposit money? Before we cancel everything, do you have any suggestions? The invitations were sent out three weeks ago. KT

Dear KT,

I sympathize with your dilemma and believe that it would be emotionally difficult to continue with your immediate plans.

I suggest that you speak with your religious officiant before a decision is made. It would be helpful to receive some counsel during this difficult time.

The officiant may be able to help the two of you arrive at a decision that will strengthen your relationship and help to weather this storm.

One option to consider, so as not to “put off your future,” is to hold a very small wedding ceremony in front of your mother, assuming her condition is stable and medical personnel agree. If this is a possible consideration, a future renewal of vows and a celebration could occur upon her recovery. You may want to check this idea with your religious officiant to see if this is a viable option.

You have time to send out a notice to all of your guests that the wedding is to be postponed to a future date, yet to be determined.

A long explanation isn’t necessary. You can just say “due to the sudden illness of the bride’s mother.”

Make sure you do this immediately. If not, have some of your wedding party participants make the calls, so you won’t have to deal with numerous emotional phone conversation’s.

You do need to check out your contracts before you cancel to determine what will be your total liability and to access your options for a future celebration.

You may find that there isn’t too much room for negotiation or flexibility once your contract has been signed.

A vendor may have a soft heart for a sad situation but most have to adhere to certain guidelines to keep their business financially sound.

I suspect that your reception venue will strictly adhere to the contract, since they have the most to lose as it is typically the largest ticket item in a wedding celebration.

Realize that the establishment may have turned away a number of other clients to accommodate your celebration and many are not able to re-book with such late notice.

Some contracts even stipulate a certain percentage of the anticipated bill be paid if the event is called off without proper notification.

The venue manager does not want to have to cover the cost of labor, for both set-up and food preparation, and the purchase and spoilage of food.

I have heard of contracts that penalize a client up to 50 percent of the anticipated bill for a late notice cancellation. You must read the fine print of your contract before you pull the plug on your event.

Florists and other vendors may require a half-deposit for the total of goods and services. Some may roll that deposit over to a future date, but typically, “payment in full” is expected if the services have been completed and products are ready for pick-up or delivery

Special order apparel usually requires a 50 percent deposit prior to the order and payment is expected at time of delivery. Typically, items that are ordered and altered cannot be returned for reimbursement.

Small local business establishments may try to accommodate your special situation and offer alternatives and suggestions to your dilemma.

A larger chain business establishment will stick to company policy and, I suspect, will not demonstrate flexibility or alternatives to your situation.

As you can see, many difficult decisions will need to be made in a short period of time. With conversation and cooperation, you and your fianc? will weather this storm together.

Please accept my prayers and best wishes for a quick recovery for your mother and a bright future for you and your fianc?.

K. Joy Schaeffer is a bridal consultant. You can e-mail her your bridal questions at bridejoy@yahoo.com.