It’s your friendly commissioner calling
Based on a recent news account, we submit for your approval this satirical offering from Fayette County’s “Twilight Zone.” —
Ring … ring … ring.
“Hello?”
“Leon Evans, it’s your favorite Fayette County commissioner calling.”
“Hey, Ron Nehls! How the heck have you been? Long time, no hear.”
“No, it’s not Ron. It’s me, the other Democrat commissioner, the one who served with Ron for four years.”
“Oh, Cavanagh! Sean, I thought you got beat in the last election. Why are you calling me now?”
“No, Leon, it’s not Ron, it’s not Sean, it’s Vince. Vince Vicites.”
“Hmmm … Vi-cit-es … Oh yeah, I remember now. Aren’t you big with the VFW?”
“No, Leon, that was my Dad. He was the one who was big with the VFW. But I’m for the veterans, too. Now what I wanted to talk to you about was …”
“Vince Vicites? You sure this isn’t some kind of crank call? I know Jim Killinger, you know, who’s on the same board as I am, and he’s a retired state cop, so don’t be messin’ with me.”
“No, Leon, I would never do that to you. I can’t lie about it, though: I’ve heard of some people who make crank phone calls. But I’ve never made one myself. That’s the truth. Never, never ever.”
“OK, then, I’ll believe you are who you say you are. What do you want? And make it quick, because I’ve got to get to some hearings for the Fayette County Zoning Hearing Board.”
“That’s kind of what I’m calling about, Leon. But first, what about that weather we’re having? It’s something, isn’t it? I mean, it’s weather, with a sky and clouds and stuff.”
“Are you high or something? ‘Cause I know Killinger, and …”
“No, Leon, I’m not high, I’m just trying to make small talk, you know, before I get to the big talk.”
“Well, why don’t you do us both a favor and get straight to the big talk, since I’ve got a ZHB hearing to get to.”
“I will – but first let me mention the Pittsburgh Pirates.”
“Who cares about the Pirates? I’ve got work to get to, hearings to decide, and Mark Morrison’s not going to be too happy if I’m late.”
“I know, I know, I’m sorry. But this way I can honestly say that when we talked, it started out with the weather and the Pirates, and then the conversation just drifted into something else.”
“Like what?”
“Well, like the case you’re going to be deciding today. Did you know that I’ve been getting a lot of heat over it, Leon?”
“Heat? If you have a heating problem, maybe you should call a furnace repairman, not a member of the Fayette County Zoning Hearing Board. I hear that Denny Nurkiewicz is pretty handy around the house, but I don’t think even he can fix a furnace.”
“No, Leon, it’s not that kind of heat. It’s ‘heat’ as in political heat, like when somebody is really concerned about the outcome of a ZHB hearing, and they call me to vent.”
“Vent? Now you need help with your vents, too. Like I said Vince, why don’t you call a furnace repairman? I can’t help you with something like that.”
“Leon, listen closely. What I mean is that people are calling me about this case, you see, and they want it to turn out a certain way, you know, and I’d really like to be able to help them, for sure, but I really don’t have a vote, unfortunately, and you do have a vote, fortunately, and well, I was wondering that since the weather’s pretty nice and the Pirates won last night, that maybe you’d consider doing the right thing and …”
“Wait a minute. I get it now. This has nothing to do with the weather, or the Pirates, or even home repairs. I think you’re trying to influence me.”
“No way, Leon. I would never do anything like that. Never, ever. I’m just providing you with input, that’s all. It’s just something I do, as kind of a public service. I would never, ever try to influence anybody’s vote.”
“But I didn’t ask for any input, from you or anybody else. I just want to hear the testimony and make up my own mind. Isn’t that how it’s supposed to work? Isn’t that why the commissioners put me on this board?”
“Well, it’s been nice chatting with you, Leon, but I’ve got to go now. I’ve got to call some other people to talk about the weather and the Pirates, and maybe even the county fair. But we’ll talk again. Maybe real soon.”
Paul Sunyak is editorial page editor of the Herald-Standard. He can be reached at (724) 439-7577 or psunyak@heraldstandard.com