Usually, the bride and groom both have imput as to the tuxedo style
Dear Joy, Who decides what style/color/type of tux is chosen for a wedding? Does the bride have a voice?
My daughter is being married within the next year. Her fiance said its up to the groom and his mother to choose the tuxes.
My understanding has always been, whatever the bride wants. Who is correct on this matter? MN
Dear MN,
I have always seen the bride and groom participate in the tuxedo selection. I think it would be a nice gesture for them to include his mom in the selection process though, since frequently the mother of the groom feels a little excluded from the wedding planning process.
This letter segues nicely to the topic of the mother-of-the-groom, and her role in the wedding planning process. Over the years, I have received a number of letters from mothers of the groom. A common theme among their letters is a collective sadness over their lack of involvement in the planning process.
Sure, the groom’s family is expected to plan the rehearsal dinner and contribute a few budgeted items to the wedding day, but often their input in the planning is rarely sought. The bride and her mother frequently take charge of the details, and the parents of the groom are informed of them, after the fact.
Unfortunately, this exclusion can cause the groom’s parents to feel quite sad, if not bitter. The sadness may be unavoidable since weddings are a time of transition and loss to both sets of parents; however, bitterness is an emotion that need not emerge during the process.
With sensitivity and a concerted effort to maintain communication with both sets of parents, the bride and groom can minimize negative emotions that can quickly arise.
The groom’s mother is probably quite familiar with the old adage, “Your son’s your son till he gets him a wife; your daughter’s your daughter all of your life.”
This awareness will often generate concern about her ability to remain close to her son and maintain an ongoing and meaningful role in his life. She will be aware that once married, the groom often gravitates to the bride’s family for celebrations and holidays. So with concern, she will question whether she will ever again spend an afternoon alone with her son. And with sadness, she will recognize that she must relinquish her role as the number one woman in his life.
The bride can make the transition process a little easier for her future mother-in-law. She can include her future mother-in-law in the wedding planning discussions, and show an interest in her family history and traditions.
She should encourage her groom to spend alone time with his mom, long after the wedding.
Her efforts will demonstrate that she values the relationship her new husband has with his mom, and that she intends to deepen and maintain her new in-law relationship.
The future mother-in-law can make the process easier for the bride if she doesn’t cling to her son with a sense of desperation and loss.
Interference and criticism (well intentioned or not) can be destructive to the relationship and will create a wedge between the new couple and the parent. Unconditional acceptance, though difficult, is the best approach to maintain an amicable relationship with the son and his new wife.
A Personal Note: During my own engagement 22 years ago, I asked my fiance’s mom, Julia, for her potato salad recipe. My fiance interrupted our discussion, and said “No! Mom, don’t give it to her until we are married – it’s a family secret.”
Julia laughed and agreed that she wouldn’t part with it until we were officially married.
On my wedding day, as my husband and I recessed down the aisle at the conclusion of the ceremony, my mother-in-law stepped into the aisle and pressed a small, folded piece of paper in my hand. I opened it to find the small, typed words of “Julia’s Potato Salad” recipe.
I treasure that small, piece of paper to this day.
K. Joy Schaeffer is a bridal consultant. You can e-mail her your bridal questions at bridejoy@yahoo.com.