Mar 13, 2005 4 min read

Dear Joy, My husband and I hosted a wedding rehearsal dinner for our son’s wedding. Communication with the bride’s family was strained since they were angry that we didn’t want to invite their group of friends to the dinner. We had wanted to keep the numbers down and not compete with the wedding reception, so we invited only wedding participants and immediate family.

We did agree to invite them, to try and keep the peace, but they didn’t respond to our dinner choice selection until the last minute.

When we planned the menu for the rehearsal dinner, I sent out dinner selections on the invitation. We offered the choice of chicken, veal or vegetarian dinners. We had no idea at the time that chicken was also going to be served at the reception until our son contacted us to take it off the rehearsal menu. I told him that it was too late, since I was already getting responses from our invitations for the rehearsal dinner. I also reminded him that I had asked them time and time again what they were having, but no one ever got back to me.

For our rehearsal dinner, all of the bride’s side chose chicken, with the exception of the bride, she chose vegetarian. Why they all chose chicken, knowing they were having chicken at the wedding reception the next day, I have no idea.

On the day of the wedding, all the guests were served a chicken dinner with the exception of the bride’s parents and their six friends. Seated at the same table, they were served filet mignon and a much better brand of wine and champagne selection than the rest of the guests.

The waiter told us of the wine and champagne selection, as we had no idea of what they were drinking. The waiters also told us they had never seen anything like this happen before.

Several relatives and friends were quite insulted. In fact, several guests left the reception upon finding out what the bride’s parents had done. Some of these guests had gone to great expense, flying from California, Boston, North Carolina, along with hotel expenses, etc., only to be treated with such disrespect.

I really believe they did all of this, the filet mignon, better wine and champagne, due to the fact that I would not take the chicken off of the rehearsal dinner selection. I would gladly have done so if I had known in time, just to eliminate the problem.

We believe that as the hosts, we have an obligation to treat all of our guests as special, even it that means we (the hosts) have to sacrifice having a table with the best view, or going without a dinner if a mistake has been made. To us, the guest is number one.

Obviously, the bride’s parents believed their six friends, along with themselves, were entitled to a fancier dinner and wine selections than the rest of their guests, and it was quite insulting.

What’s your impression of this fiasco?

Insulted.

Dear Insulted,

I agree that the guest is number one and the host has an obligation to make every guest feel special. The special dinners and wine, for a select few (including the hosts), is an insult to the rest of the guests and an incredible faux pas. You are justified in your anger.

I’m not surprised that a number of the guests were upset. I hope the waiters limited their comments to you, and not point out the discrepancies to the guests.

Bad manners, whether evident or not, should not be pointed out in public. Their comments could have worsened the situation and stoked the fire.

Communication and goodwill is vital when planning a wedding.

When there is a breakdown, anger and bad intentions rule the day.

Joy’s Bridal Tip: A rehearsal dinner is the perfect opportunity for wedding party participants and immediate family members to chat and relax before the big day. Usually, the rehearsal dinner is hosted by the groom’s parents, and immediately follows the wedding rehearsal.

Guests should include all wedding party participants and their spouses, parents of the bride and groom, siblings and their spouses, the officiant and guest, grandparents, and the wedding couple.

The rehearsal dinner should never compete with the wedding. It is best to skip extravagant decorations and an elaborate menu, and keep the atmosphere casual and fun.

K. Joy Schaeffer is a bridal consultant. You can e-mail her at bridejoy@yahoo.com.