Nov 27, 2005 3 min read

Dear Joy, My daughter planned to marry around the Christmas holidays. All the plans were in place and we were in the process of addressing the invitations. Now, her fianc? appears to have cold feet and wants to call if off. I am distressed about canceling this wedding, but if he’s not ready, I’d rather have them call it off now than face a difficult marriage.

How can we back out of this gracefully and not go into countless explanations? TW

Dear TW,

You are quite fortunate the invitations were not mailed. If they were, you would have needed to contact – and explain – the situation to everyone. In this instance, word of mouth by family and friends is sufficient.

Written notification should immediately be sent to all vendors. Contracts vary, but most will not return deposits. Please beware that some reception contracts have expensive cancellation penalties.

Custom orders are typically non-refundable, so I suspect you will be required to complete the transaction. Bridal apparel (specifically gowns) and invitations are usually custom ordered and cannot be returned.

Many brides attempt to sell unused bridal apparel at an online auction site, such as E-Bay.

Wedding and shower gifts should all be returned. A brief note of thanks and a quick explanation, such as “Thank you for the lovely gift, but we regret to inform you that we have canceled the wedding,” should be included with the gift.

If the bridal couple already started to use small appliances or utensils, they will have to keep them but a note of thanks and an explanation that they have used the gift, should be sent to the gift-giver.

If the engagement ring was a family heirloom, it should be returned to the family.

If the ring was given to the bride-to-be and she called off the wedding, she should return it to her ex-fiance. If he called it off, she can keep it, sell it or return it.

Dear Joy,

What do you think of a money tree at a wedding? Sue

Dear Sue,

I dislike deliberate attempts to solicit money at weddings.

Dear Joy,

I have been invited to a Christmas wedding. I will not be able to attend because of another obligation. I have a lot of expenses around Christmas, and I am grateful I have an excuse not to go. My girlfriend told me that I am not off the hook for a wedding present, though.

I think if I send my congratulations that should be enough.

She told me to ask you. So what do you think? Jim

Dear Jim,

Sorry to add another burden to your inflated Christmas budget, but you should send a gift whenever you receive a wedding invitation for a first-time wedding.

If it is a second wedding or remarriage, your best wishes might be sufficient.

Tis’ the season, Ebenezer!

K. Joy Schaeffer is a bridal consultant. You can e-mail her your bridal questions at bridejoy@yahoo.com.