Sep 25, 2005 4 min read

Dear Joy, My daughter was married this past weekend. The photographer had our family pose for pictures. One pose, of all six grandchildren of my deceased mother, has been a tradition, since they only get together every 5 years or so, and all are in their late 30’s.

My brother has a stepson who is 23, and we have only seen him three times in the 20 years since my brother’s marriage. He was asked to step back by my older sister while the six grandchildren had their traditional photo taken. When the picture was taken, he gladly joined in for another sibling picture.

My sister-in-law was very upset that her son was asked to stay out of the first picture, and the next day she berated my sister and told her it was a slap in the face her son was left out of the first photo. My sister apologized, and my sister in law accepted.

Now my sister in law isn’t talking with anyone in the family, and my brother says she is too deeply hurt. My sister apologized again to my brother. What can we do to correct this unfortunate happening?

How could we have handled this planned photo? We shouldn’t be denied the tradition that the original grandchildren have been doing. It has turned into an ugly situation and I would like to see it resolved. Please your comments. CM

Dear CM,

Even though you don’t know your nephew well, your brother has been his father for 20 years. Since the age of three, he has been a member of the family, and he should have been included in the picture of the grandchildren.

Unfortunately, you can’t take back the moment. Since you were the hostess, and it was the occasion of your daughter’s wedding, I suggest you also apologize to your brother, your sister-in-law and nephew, and let the subject drop. The more family members discuss it, the more it fuels the fire.

Dear Joy,

Can you please explain this bizarre mother/son thing?

My father and I are extremely close, but he certainly wasn’t pulling me aside on my wedding to say,

“Princess make sure that this man allows you time to spend with me, just you and I, so that we can keep our bond strong.” My dad said, “I love you. You have your own family now, but if you need me, I’ll be there.”

My mother-in-law wanted to buy my bridal shoes and eight years later, I’m still waiting for the $65. She refused to pay for the bar at the reception citing religious reasons, but she buys my father-in-law a case of beer each week and whiskey every other week. She did pay for our table decorations, but with the stipulation that my father-in-law was not to know.

How can a person like this be included? It hasn’t gotten better. My mother stayed with us after the birth of our first child, and my mother-in-law hasn’t called our house since, even after our child had surgery at 1-year-old. We called the in-laws three days later.

I used to think I was the exception, but I’ve discovered that most women are fighting the same battle. We don’t want to be on the battle field anymore ladies, so quit pouting and let your boys go.

Let your husband take care of your emotional needs so that my husband can take care of mine (guilt free). – KI

Dear KI,

I am a bridal consultant and not a professional counselor. I try to give sensible advice regarding wedding planning, and often advise couples to address sensitive relationship issues before marriage. Wedding planning can be stressful for both families, emotions run high, and unresolved issues can fester and create problems for a couple long after the wedding rice blows away.

Your letter is a tragic example of how unresolved issues worsen with time and resentment builds. Perhaps, you should seek professional counseling.

K. Joy Schaeffer is a bridal consultant.

You can e-mail her your bridal questions atbridejoy@yahoo.com.

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